Convicted

Writing is my passion. Writing is my way of expressing myself. Writing clears my mind and frees me. Writing is my voice. Writing is what I’m supposed to do. This is how I’ve always felt but wasn’t confident enough to say so and certainly not the way I thought I would spend my time.

Have you ever felt convicted? I mean stake through the heart, sweaty palms, nailed to the pew convicted? I always thought when God convicted someone, they would feel ashamed and guilty. My assumption was wrong. The day I was convicted I didn’t feel ashamed or guilty but I did feel redirected.  I’m sitting here trying to think of how to explain how I felt that day, but it isn’t easy to do. The day I was convicted, was a normal Sunday morning. I walked my kids to the kids department and then walked into my Sunday school class. I had a conversation with a lady in Sunday school and the words she spoke was laced with wisdom. The words were so clear and jumped out at me. I didn’t give this too much thought and headed into our sanctuary. The songs were great, and really spoke to my heart. Then our pastor took the stage and within five minutes I knew I wouldn’t be forgetting this sermon anytime soon. The room became warm, my palms started sweating and I just knew Pastor was staring me down. It didn’t take too much longer and I wrote on my notepad, I need to quit and showed it to my husband. I was so scared he was going to say no, but his reply was, how soon. I told him as soon as possible. I sat in my pew, listening to the sermon while a stake was being driven into my heart. The sermon finally ended and my husband and I knelt at the altar and prayed. At lunch my nine year old son asked me, “If I ever thought about being a writer?” I told him, “yes, but not all writers can make enough money to support their families.” His response was, “I can do all things through Christ.” Not only did I shut my mouth, but I started to cry and knew I needed to do something quickly.

That night I nervously wrote my resignation letter and sent it to my principal. I couldn’t believe I was four weeks in and was resigning. I was nervous, scared, and excited all at the same time. I knew exactly what God wanted me to do and I was finally being bold enough to listen and do just that. As the weeks have passed I realize what I am giving up. I realize how off the wall it must seem to others and how much this action is frowned upon by the secular world. God convicted me that Sunday to write for him. As this sinks in, I realize that being convicted has nothing to do with feeling guilty or being ashamed of not doing what you know you are called to do, but simply a redirection. I have not felt ashamed, but instead through prayer have felt the courage to be bold and share what I am doing. I have not felt guilty for leaving before the school year ends, but instead empowered to live a life devoted to God’s calling on my life.

Am I scared? Yes! Am I nervous? Yes! Am I aware of the negative impacts this could have on me and my family? Yes! BUT……..

What if I didn’t listen? What if I chose to keep living life my way? What if God’s blessing is just around the corner and I didn’t obey? What if I let my fear win? What would I miss out on?

Friends, our lives are too short to not obey the one who created us. I can’t fathom where I would be if it weren’t for a God who saves. I do not want to live my life for myself and gain the treasures on this earth, and die and realize I have no treasure stored up for me in heaven. Who will you live for today? Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)

My Fear

Fear, what is it and why do feel it? To have fear is to be afraid. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” (1 John 4:18) Fear is not of God, because God is love. Let’s dig a little deeper with my thoughts on this….will you join me?

I turned 32 today. It’s been just like every other Monday so far this school year, rough. The one thing that keeps me thinking is the number 32. I have dreaded this age since I was 7, more realistically, probably 14. Why do I dread 32? This is the age my dad was when he died. I know, it was his life, not mine. I see things differently though. I see how much God has blessed me but that little bit of fear is still there. What fear you ask?

The fear that before this year is up, I will no longer be here. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Lord and can’t wait to meet him, but I still don’t want to leave my family. I’m selfish in that way. The thing about fear is no matter the size of it, if you’re not careful it will grow. I haven’t really dwelt on this today, but felt the need to share. I’m sharing, so others will know and pray for me. Pray that I will not stop doing what God has asked me to do because I’m waiting for my card to be punched. The devil wants this, he wants me to stop living; especially for God. So, the other reason why I am sharing my silly fear with you is so I can be held accountable and the devil will realize I’m not slowing down, not giving in and not going to let this little bit of fear paralyze me.

In a way, I faced my fear today. I didn't call in sick, or go home early. I faced the day, now 364 more to go! Here I sit, determined not to let my past rule over me. I am me, not my dad, not my mom, but me! My life will be lived with the intensity of finishing my race strong. So, here is to my head held high, shoulders back, spine straight, feet shoulder’s width apart.

I’m ready…..I’m ready……I’m ready! 

God please use me, make me into the person you created me to be.

What’s your fear? Thanks for reading mine. Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)

My Unplanned, Planned Summer

“I don’t need to know where I’m goin’ just need to know where I’ve been. " Mater, Cars

                My summer is just about over, one week left and the crazy, busy life I call school/work begins. I’m a little sad, but will be so glad to get back to the routine, funny how the very thing that stresses me out during the school year, calms me during the summer. I would like to share with you one of the lessons I have learned, well, truth be told, still learning this summer.

                I have had one of the weirdest summers I’ve ever had. I had my idea of how my summer was going to play out. I started planning it several weeks before I was actually out of school. (For those who don’t know I’m a teacher) My first day of summer was planned and ready for me to enjoy long before the exciting moment of being told, “You can go, enjoy your summer.” My first day of summer didn’t go as planned, and this was a sign of how the rest of my summer would go. My nice, strategically planned summer was about to become my nice, strategically unplanned, planned summer. Please hang with me while I share the high lights of my nicely planned month of June and how things turned out.

                The second full week of June was my first full week of summer. It was loaded with VBS, getting my hair trimmed and highlighted for our upcoming cruise, visit with a friend, and speaking to a group of girls. The third week of June was not as full so we could recover from VBS and rest before our week long cruise. I had plans to visit with friends, shop for the cruise (ya know, clothesJ), pack for the cruise and of course clean my house. The last week of June was our cruise. Sounds good, right? Nice, and planned out for the control freak that I am. Well, my nicely planned month turned into a game of 52 card pick up. I had to reschedule my hair appointment several times, for various reasons. Every time I would plan something, I would have to reschedule. I finally decided to stop planning. This is not an easy task for me. I was comforted by the fact that we did have VBS, which was a great time. I did get to visit a friend as in one, not friends, as in more than the one. We got to go on our cruise, which was a lot of fun. This rescheduling and adjusting my nicely planned month threw me off track. I was stumbling in the dark. I was so thrown off by this I couldn’t wait to board the boat and get away for a week, although I was very nervous this being my first cruise.

                We returned from our wonderful cruise and I realized it was now July. I had even bigger plans for July but so far those plans haven’t happened, and will not happen. I have spent the month of July recovering from the cruise, apparently my body liked the rocking motion of the boat. I’m just now not rocking or spinning every day. (Don’t worry, I’ve been to the dr.) This has meant that once again my nicely planned month turned into my nicely unplanned, planned month. In June I realized God was trying to teach me something but I couldn’t figure out exactly what or why. A month later I had my light bulb moment. This moment came during family movie night. The kids told me to pick the movie so as I went through our collection of movies I was focused on picking one we haven't seen in a while and I picked Cars. With lights off, and popcorn popped we started the movie. I have seen this movie at least a hundred times and wasn’t expecting to have God speak to me. As the scene played out where Mater and Lighting McQueen were speeding back to town after tractor tippin’ Mater starts driving in reverse. Lightin’ is concerned about Mater wrecking and states his feelings, but Mater’s response seemed to be louder than the rest of the movie so I wrote it down. Mater said, “I don’t need to know where I’m goin’ just need to know where I’ve been.” (Could be paraphrased) Wow, I understood what God was telling me and had been trying to get through my stubborn, now swaying head.

                “I don’t need to know where I’m goin’”, equates to I don’t need to plan out every second of my day because I need to listen to God’s directions. “Just need to know where I’ve been”, equates to me realizing where I use to be and where I am now. I’ve been driving and not allowing God to drive. Did you know race cars don’t have headlights? The driver can only see in the dark because the track is lit up. We, Christians, are in a dark world, and sadly, it’s only getting darker. The only way we can see the path that God has planned for us is to follow The Light. It’s nice to have structure, we need it, at least I do. The problem isn’t having structure, but planning so much that we don’t allow our lives to be influenced by God’s direction for the day. I don’t like that my path isn’t lit up the whole way but honestly would I keep going and trusting if I could see the valley or mountain that was in my path? (I highly doubt it!)

            This summer has not been an easy one for me. I have learned to enjoy the day and each moment in it, but I’m still struggling with this. I’m not struggling to enjoy the day or the moments, but to take each day as they come. Apparently I’m still in the fast lane of life. I need to move over to the right lane so I can slow down and stop on the shoulder every now and then to enjoy the scenery. Will you slow down too? My challenge to you is: don’t get so caught up in your routine and plans that you don’t see the path Jesus is lighting up for you. Until next time “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)

Grumpy

Grumpy, I could have easily been the Grumpy dwarf from Snow White a couple of weeks ago. I was GRUMPY. I woke up in a bad mood, I went about my day feeling very little excitement, and went to bed in a bad mood if not a worse mood than when I woke up. This cycle went on for a whole week. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I took a step back and started evaluating myself. What was different? What changed?

My friends, it was something so simple yet detrimental to my mental health. The first day, I just blew my mood off as just one of those days. The second day, I started realizing this bad mood wasn’t going away. The Christian music wasn’t helping. Spending time with my family wasn’t helping. Talking with friends wasn’t helping, although I didn’t share I was in a bad mood. There was one thing missing from my life. It was my quiet time with God. I started a 21 day prayer challenge in late January. I met the challenge and went well over the 21 days. Where did I go astray? I started to get busy with end of the school year events and t-ball and classes I was taking. I became overwhelmed and slowly stopped meeting God for my quiet time. I didn’t just stop cold turkey. I would miss a day and feel guilty and do it the next day. Then I missed two days and felt guilty so I picked it up and would start going again. Next thing I knew, I was out of paper that fit in my journal and I told myself I would buy some and start when that came in. I missed a week and didn’t order the paper but didn’t think anything of it. I missed two weeks straight of my quiet time with God. Let me say this, I prayed and I prayed throughout my day, but there is just something different about having quiet time with God.

I missed it. I missed my time with God. I felt out of sorts and couldn’t figure out why. Spending quiet time with God daily changed my heart and my perspective on things. Not only did I feel out of sorts, but I picked back up right where I left off. I started taking the reins back to my life. I was planning this and trying to figure that out. I let the worry take over. I let the what ifs and then whats consume my mind. This isn’t what God wants for us. He doesn’t want us caught up in the things of this world. He doesn’t want us to be so tied up that we drop him like a hot potato. He doesn’t want us to worry, or spin scenarios in our minds of conversations held or ones that will be held. He doesn’t want us to worry about if we are going to move and how or the details of the move.

What He wants is for us to trust Him. He wants us to find rest in Him. He wants us to turn our concerns over to Him. He wants control of every detail of your life. The smallest detail to the biggest detail, He wants them all. He wants you and me to completely trust him. He wants us to find peace in Him. “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful.” John 14:27 Jesus gave the gift of peace to his disciples and He still gives that peace today. I realize now that I wasn’t at peace. When we take on the world without spending time with God we are bound to be confused and grumpy. My life gets busy and I get overwhelmed and anxiety kicks in. The only thing that takes all this away is the peace that Jesus gives me. I find this peace when I meet with my God, my savior, my friend daily. The coolest part is He takes the time to listen to my cry for help, my shouts of joy, and questions of what to do next. The God of the all, takes time to answer my prayers, and to give a peace that passes all understanding.

If there is one challenge that you take from my posts, I pray that it will be this one. Pray and read your Bible daily. God will meet you right where you are and lead you right where He wants you. Don’t just take my word for it…try it for yourself. Something so simple can have a huge impact on you, your life and those you love. Not sure where to start? Look up Becky Tirabassi or contact me. So, the next time you’re Grumpy do a self-check. Until next time “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)

And yes, I'm back to meeting God daily...my family is happy and so am I. :) 

Becoming Me

Growing up I couldn’t wait to be an adult. In my mind, all the grown-ups were able to do what they wanted, whenever they wanted. Oh, the innocence of childhood. You think once you’re grown you will know it all and stop “growing.” As I write this I smile at how silly that sounds. The truth is I haven’t stopped growing at least not spiritually.

I have this thirst, hunger, and desire to grow closer to God and become who He wants me to be. The hardest part is letting go of who I think or thought I was supposed to be. I’m growing and changing and sometimes it hurts. The “growing pains” don’t go away once we’re grown. As I mentioned earlier, to become who I was created to be I have to let go. (Frozen anybody?) I had to let go of my past and not let it define me anymore. I’m still working on this but I’m so much better than I use to be. The next part is recognizing my “issues” or weaknesses. I’ve started realizing them and often times cower or bow my head in shame, but I am starting to slowly accept that these issues are a part of me. Yes, even my weaknesses are from God. If I will let Him, he will use them for His glory. His strength can be found in my weaknesses. Even Paul talked about his weaknesses and this is what he says, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness. Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 I’ve been writing on a surface level, but let’s dig a little deeper.

In order to grow, at some point we have to dig a little deeper, take a step back and evaluate ourselves. I’ve started doing this and I try my best to be “this is who I am” and/or “what you see is what you get” type person. I’m not perfect, never will be and I no longer put that type of pressure on myself. I do want to share a few of my weaknesses with you:

1.       I’m selfish

2.       I’m prideful

3.       I’m a planner…ok…control freak

4.       I don’t like crowds

5.       I don’t like speaking in front of others (especially my age or older)

These are sins or can lead to sin. I can choose to be selfish, prideful, take control, panic in crowds and freeze when speaking in front of others or I can choose to trust God. Through prayer and God working on my heart, my weaknesses are becoming stepping stones for me to become the me God wants me to be. Here are some ways God is working in my life:

    He has changed my heart from, what can I gain or benefit from someone to how I can serve them. I now ask God to show me how to pray/help those in my life. I am slowly realizing that God will use me in others’ lives the way he wants to use me, nothing more, and nothing less. I am also realizing that God wants me to lean on Him and trust Him with every detail of my life. I can’t be afraid to try new things but more importantly I can’t be afraid to fail. I don’t like speaking in front of others and yet God has called me to speak. I haven’t been asked to speak at many events (which I’m OK with) but I know God is preparing me.

I didn’t share this to brag but to show God will take our fears, doubts, failures, and weaknesses and use them for His glory. Change scares me and yet it’s the only way to keep growing. I’m so thankful that God is right beside me, constantly shaping me to become the me, He wants me to be. May God’s grace and mercy pour out on you. Will you embrace His will for your life? Until next time “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)

Look Into My Eyes

     Look into my eyes...tell me what you see...do you really look into someone's eyes long enough to see what's there? Why do we look away so quickly? Are we afraid of what they think of us, or maybe what they just saw? I can tell you why I look away quickly. It’s because the eyes are the window to our souls. I don’t like to make eye contact because the other person might see more than what I want them to. It has nothing to do with respect or lack thereof, for me anyways.

    If this looks familiar it’s because it came from my previous post. I had someone point out this was good and asked me to dig a little deeper. I promised I would…and to be honest I have been putting this post off, because it means once again I have to open up and expose myself to you…the reader. I also have to answer the question…why do I look away so quickly. When discussing this with my husband he asked, "is it what you say or is it because you are afraid of what you will see in others?" So, I’m going to dig a little deeper. Will you join me?

    Why do we look away so quickly? I’ll come back to this or possibly answer it as I go. I asked two questions in one …Are we afraid of what they think of us, or maybe what they just saw? The answer is YES! I can’t speak for you and I won’t, but I can speak for me. I am afraid of what the person just saw, mainly because I’m not sure what they saw. Did the person just see the kid inside of me who was hurt and still shows up every once in a while? Did the person see my light, my Jesus living inside of me? Oh, yes please be that one!!! Did the person see the person I’m becoming, the overcomer, the new creation that God is constantly working on? Yea, that’s a good one too! Did the person see the doubt in my eyes, the lack of confidence, and the one who thinks I’m not good enough? Or maybe the person saw that if you take the time to get to know me I’d do anything for you. I can’t be sure what someone sees when they look into my eyes. I hope it’s the better ones, but then again, if they see the lack of confidence and doubt maybe they would realize I’m a real person. A real person with feelings, who is just trying to show others the love of Jesus and doesn't feel like I'm doing a good job. I don’t think we will ever truly know what a person sees or thinks of us. The question I must ask here is does it matter? I’m not trying to step on toes, I’m mainly talking to myself right now. I find when something goes completely opposite of what I had planned or meant for it to…I tell myself what really matters is God knows my heart.

    Oh, this just hit me…maybe I look away because someone might want to ask me a question. You know the ones that make us squirm a little. Like why are you smiling? Or, do you believe in God? Do you believe in Jesus? Do you have some money? Look away….walk away…..RUN!!! I can answer these question when I’m writing, but what if I don’t have the right answers? I pray that I become bolder and will look people in their eyes longer. I have the answers, I know what I would say, but why am I so afraid? I do not deny my faith or my God. I am more afraid of what the repercussion will be for saying yes, yes, yes I believe.

I apologize for the rambling…now back to my husband’s question. Am I afraid of what I will see in others? This might have been the case a few months ago, but not since I have started my new job. When you look someone in the eyes you can see what’s there. I have seen hurt, fear and a need of acceptance. Funny, that’s what I just spent two paragraphs saying. The older I get, the more I take the time to visit with others, the more I see we all have been hurt, we all have a fear (more than one), we all want acceptance. The answer to our hurt, the peace that conquers our fear, and the acceptance we all seek can only be found in one…The ONE….his name is Jesus.

   When I look into my eyes I see my past, my sins, and a few accomplishments. When you look into my eyes…well only you know what you see. I have spent a good portion of my life building up walls. These walls were meant to keep me from getting hurt, to keep others from letting me hurt them. That's why I don't look others in the eyes very long...you see...the eyes are the windows to our souls. If you look long enough, you will see the real me. I've been working on just being me and not putting up walls. Here, is the next step in letting God have control...let others, not just those at church or at home, but everyone see ME, not only me but JESUS living in me. I’m going to take a risk, I’m going to do my best to look others in their eyes and not look away so quickly. When we get caught up in what others think, we aren’t doing what we are called to do. Let’s do what Hebrews 12:1-2 says, “Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne.” Will you let others see the "real" you? Until next time“May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)

I think this song by Francesca Battistelli says it better...what do you think?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBY3f9IHyFM

L.O.V.E.

Love
Others  and
Value
Everyone

“The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:39)

Love isn’t always easy and it’s a word that I’m leery of using. Why? We overuse the word. We love our family. We love our friends. We love God. We love our car, shoes and our food. Personally, I have tried to not use the word love so much. Instead I say I really like Mexican food and I really like my car, but there are times I slip up and say I love something when it’s really a major like. There are different types of love and I get that, but if we use love for every good feeling then it loses its value. We know love, because God first loved us. Love isn’t easy because we have to put ourselves out there and we might get hurt. It’s also not easy because not everyone is easy to love. Which brings me to ……

Others, who is others? This is your brother, sister, mom, dad, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandma, grandpa, husband, wife, son, daughter, friend and neighbor. We know this and do the best we can when it comes to family and friends, but what about the stranger? The one you just made eye contact with but quickly looked away. Why do we look away so quickly? Are we afraid of what they think of us, or maybe what they just saw? I can tell you why I look away quickly. It’s because the eyes are the window to our souls. I don’t like to make eye contact because the other person might see more than what I want them to. It has nothing to do with respect or lack thereof, for me anyways. So, how can we love strangers? There are many ways, but an easy way to show God’s love is to smile. When you look the stranger in the eye, and before you quickly look away….smile. You never know what this person is going through and your smile just might brighten their day and show them they are valued.

Value: How can we value people we are close to and those who fall under the stranger category? The first thing to remember is, “God so loved the world”. It doesn’t say He loves only me and the people who are close to my heart. He said he loves the world, and that means everyone in it. I may not agree with everyone (trust me, I don’t) but that doesn’t mean they are less valuable. God created each one of us and that means we are all valuable. So, how do we show it? R-E-S-P-E-C-T (sing it with me) Respecting others isn’t always easy but a few pointers are watch what you say, especially when you don’t agree with them. Be kind to others, even when they are being rude to you, which is usually easier said than done. This goes for everyone….

Everyone you come into contact with deserves love, not your love but God’s love. The only way we can show love is by having the Holy Spirit living in us. Everyone needs to know they are loved, cared for and valued. How? How? How? Encourage someone, if you aren’t sure how, just let them know you appreciate them. It could be something as simple as thanking them for helping clean the house. I challenge you to encourage at least one person a week, but I bet you could surpass this and encourage one person a day. Don’t worry about how it is taken or what they will think. Give God the glory and honor and He will take care of the rest.

Try to Love

       Others and

        Value

       Everyone today.

“If I speak human or angelic languages but do not have love,I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.
And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body in order to boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

The task set before us is daunting and tiring but keep moving…keep going. You have the “God of angel armies” by your side. Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)