Convicted

Writing is my passion. Writing is my way of expressing myself. Writing clears my mind and frees me. Writing is my voice. Writing is what I’m supposed to do. This is how I’ve always felt but wasn’t confident enough to say so and certainly not the way I thought I would spend my time.

Have you ever felt convicted? I mean stake through the heart, sweaty palms, nailed to the pew convicted? I always thought when God convicted someone, they would feel ashamed and guilty. My assumption was wrong. The day I was convicted I didn’t feel ashamed or guilty but I did feel redirected.  I’m sitting here trying to think of how to explain how I felt that day, but it isn’t easy to do. The day I was convicted, was a normal Sunday morning. I walked my kids to the kids department and then walked into my Sunday school class. I had a conversation with a lady in Sunday school and the words she spoke was laced with wisdom. The words were so clear and jumped out at me. I didn’t give this too much thought and headed into our sanctuary. The songs were great, and really spoke to my heart. Then our pastor took the stage and within five minutes I knew I wouldn’t be forgetting this sermon anytime soon. The room became warm, my palms started sweating and I just knew Pastor was staring me down. It didn’t take too much longer and I wrote on my notepad, I need to quit and showed it to my husband. I was so scared he was going to say no, but his reply was, how soon. I told him as soon as possible. I sat in my pew, listening to the sermon while a stake was being driven into my heart. The sermon finally ended and my husband and I knelt at the altar and prayed. At lunch my nine year old son asked me, “If I ever thought about being a writer?” I told him, “yes, but not all writers can make enough money to support their families.” His response was, “I can do all things through Christ.” Not only did I shut my mouth, but I started to cry and knew I needed to do something quickly.

That night I nervously wrote my resignation letter and sent it to my principal. I couldn’t believe I was four weeks in and was resigning. I was nervous, scared, and excited all at the same time. I knew exactly what God wanted me to do and I was finally being bold enough to listen and do just that. As the weeks have passed I realize what I am giving up. I realize how off the wall it must seem to others and how much this action is frowned upon by the secular world. God convicted me that Sunday to write for him. As this sinks in, I realize that being convicted has nothing to do with feeling guilty or being ashamed of not doing what you know you are called to do, but simply a redirection. I have not felt ashamed, but instead through prayer have felt the courage to be bold and share what I am doing. I have not felt guilty for leaving before the school year ends, but instead empowered to live a life devoted to God’s calling on my life.

Am I scared? Yes! Am I nervous? Yes! Am I aware of the negative impacts this could have on me and my family? Yes! BUT……..

What if I didn’t listen? What if I chose to keep living life my way? What if God’s blessing is just around the corner and I didn’t obey? What if I let my fear win? What would I miss out on?

Friends, our lives are too short to not obey the one who created us. I can’t fathom where I would be if it weren’t for a God who saves. I do not want to live my life for myself and gain the treasures on this earth, and die and realize I have no treasure stored up for me in heaven. Who will you live for today? Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)