This life

This life

Today, just like every day, I have a choice to make. Today, I choose to be bold and courageous. I choose to stand out in a crowd, to be different, odd, and my favorite, WEIRD. Today’s choices create my life, the memories I will look back on and smile at or shake my head. This life, the one I’m living in today; because of the grace of God, hasn’t been what I had planned.

My dreams, my goals, my life with the fairy tale theme, you know the one all girls have when they are teenagers, hasn’t happened. Funny how life happens. Don’t get me wrong, some of my dreams and goals have come true and have been accomplished but they didn’t go down the path I thought they would. The road that lead me to the victories was not the one I dreamed of. I was sure life would be easier as an adult, and everything would be sparkly and shiny and happy…lol…I think you get the picture.

Have you noticed all the I’s and my’s? My life, is a gift and I need to remember this daily. The day I decided to follow Jesus is the day that the I/my should’ve changed to his/him. It didn’t happen quickly, but it has started happening. I’m not good at letting my life be a life directed by God for him and his glory. I realize now that letting go of my plans, my dreams and realizing what His dreams/plans are, is the only way I can live for him. I had a pretty good life planned out, I was chasing those things and checking them off my list one by one. My plan and God’s plan didn’t exactly match up, some of it did, and some of it didn’t. We all know God’s plan is far greater than we can imagine, but letting go and trusting him completely with MY life is a lot easier said than done.

As I let the decisions I’ve made through prayer and conviction sink in, I’ve shed a few tears and had my doubts. Just when I think how silly I am for following God, someone steps in and sends an encouraging text. I will share what I’m doing with someone and instead of shame I get shock and acceptance. I keep expecting people to tell me how dumb my decision was or at least how silly it was, but instead I get I’m happy for you and let me know when you publish a book, I want to read it. I also hear, tell me when you speak because I want to hear you. All uplifting to me, and I’m so thankful to God for those people who lift me up instead of knocking me down. No matter what is in front of me He will always be with me and in control.

          This life, when I pick up my cross (t), becomes his life, one lived for him. To Him be the Glory! Here's to a life focused on carrying my cross so His light can shine in this dark world. Will you pick up your t and let this life become a life for his glory? Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you” Numbers 6:24         

You're Religious

Not too long ago I was called religious. I was taken back and wasn’t sure it was a compliment or an insult. Later that day, I told my husband I was called religious, he laughed and said, “You are”. I then went on to explain why I wasn’t sure I wanted to be called religious. When I think religious, I think of a building, traditions, and people going through the motions and people who are fake. I’m thinking Pharisees. Everything on the outside is shiny and clean but not the inside. “They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that!” (2 Timothy 3:5 NLT) In my eyes, being religious is fake and by fake I mean this: you do one thing during the week and one maybe two days out of the week you act as if you weren’t doing those things. Hear me on this, we all do things during the week that we feel bad about, but in order to be forgiven we have to admit our wrongs. If you go throughout your day, week, or life and you don’t ask to be forgiven for your mistakes (sins) then you are missing a wonderful gift called grace.  

I hope I do not come off as this way. I do my best to be me all the time and show my stains, scars and the areas God has gracefully cleaned up. So please don’t call me religious, I prefer to be called a Christ follower, a Christian.  Someone who is actively and wholeheartedly following Jesus Christ. This person doesn’t see the building as the only “church” and takes Jesus with him/her throughout the week, and listens to what God is saying to him/her. I would much rather be known as a crazy, off the wall, peculiar person than a religious person. So, thank you for trying to set me apart by calling me religious, but please be cautious when using this word, it stings my soul. To call someone religious seems harsh and cold, but you call them a Christ follower and it changes to warm and welcoming.

When following Christ, you can see his light in that person. Their deeds are done bringing glory and honor to God, yet without seeking glory for themselves. A religious person is more apt to do a good deed seeking glory for themselves, again think Pharisees. The next time you think about calling someone religious, think, are they religious or following Christ? Before I started truly following Christ I didn't think there was a difference, but the difference is there…it’s the same difference between the Old and New Testament of the Bible. One has Jesus and one doesn’t. It’s all about a relationship with Jesus Christ. What are you doing to grow your relationship with him? Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you” Numbers 6:24         

Best of both worlds

    I enjoy reading books that make me ask questions and think. The summer of 2013, I posted about a book written by Jennie Allen titled, “Anything”, and that book still has me thinking and asking questions. I know, it’s surprising my memory goes that far back. As I was reviewing some of the questions I wrote down from that book, a couple of them spoke to my heart and they are: Couldn’t I have both? More of God and the life I wanted? If you’ve read my post Convicted, then you know I am looking down the barrel at these questions. This is what I’m facing right now. What did I do? I prayed and read the Bible and listened to what God was telling me. I started writing and wanted to share with you what I wrote.
     Can Christians have the best of both worlds, earthly and spiritual? Can we remain faithful to our Heavenly Father and have the best of this world? Can faithful Christians be rich, by America’s standards? Can faithful Christians be poor, again, by America’s standards? YES X 4!
    These questions are touchy and will bring a great debate among Christians and non-Christians alike. God will bless those who are faithful. The amount and type of blessing will differ family to family, and person to person. I think the deeper root to this is, are you willing to give up the best of this world, material things, to have the best treasures stored up in Heaven?
     I pose this question because as a whole, Christians tend to look at this question and shrug it off because we are doing “good enough” in our walk. Is “good enough” okay? We are raising a generation of children, who will one day run this country, to believe that good enough is okay. Everyone is great and a winner and there are no losers in life. This shows in their motivation (lack of), their performances, and just day to day living. It starts with us, the adults, we need to change this. This starts with our walks as Christians. I don’t know about you but I’m tired of “good enough”. I’m tired of being a “good enough” Christian. I have yet to find a place in the Bible where it says, just be good enough. No, walking into Heaven with no marks is not what I want. By golly, I want to round third base full speed, slide head first with arms stretched out, dust flyin’ in the air, reaching for home plate, givin’ it my all! Not to hear, “Good job my good and faithful servant”, but to humbly say I gave my all for you, God.
    Which leads me back to my question, if convicted to or asked by God, would you give up your idea of the best of this world for God? Would you stop working towards your goals and start doing what He has called you to do? “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” (Matthew 16:24-26) What’s your cross? What’s your anything? Could you, would you walk away from doing “good enough” to do what God created you to do? Are you working for one more dollar or are you working for the Lord, God Almighty? Are you willing to give up your wants and allow God to meet your needs? “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into this world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.” (1 Timothy 6:6-7)
    Before you speculate, or criticize me for judging, let me share with you that this is not my intentions. My purpose is to make you think, are you allowing more of God and less of you in your life. It’s between you and God, not me and you and God. Your walk is YOUR walk, I pray I encourage you in your walk with God. My walk, as it should be, is a learning process. I’m not perfect, nor claim to be. I am giving up my goals to allow God to use me for his purpose. It’s not easy letting go of who I thought I was or what I thought I was supposed to do. I want the things of this world just like everybody else, but at this time I have to let go of that and focus on what my calling is. Taking up the cross and allowing God to have complete control isn’t easy. Writing this post and all the others hasn’t been easy. Slowly, and painfully at times, I am letting go of the me I thought I was supposed to be so I can become who I was created to be.  Can you have the best of both worlds? Yes, but make sure it’s because you are doing what God has called you to do and not just chasing the American dream. Enough thinking, writing and sharing and as always: Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you” Numbers 6:24

Suicide

     This writing business has been hard because when I feel called to share something I know that I must share it or feel horrible until I finally cave in and share. I will warn you this post will be lengthy but please read it...
      I’m not going to throw statistics at you about suicide because you have heard them and they don’t seem to affect us like the researchers think they will. We tend to think no one that I know would possibly consider that, or people who commit suicide show signs of not being happy. I can assure you both assumptions are wrong. When you hear the “S” word you probably cringe and feel sorrow for the person who took their life, their family and friends. What I’m about to say may come as a surprise to you and others may not be shocked at all. I want to share with you a portion of my past….

                I have struggled and fought with thoughts of suicide. When I hear that someone took their own life, I don’t have your typical response. Instead of asking why or how, I usually say it’s not as far-fetched as you think. I’ve received crazy looks for that comment. I don’t agree with suicide but since I’ve struggled with it I’m not as taken back as others when I hear of someone taking their life. Suicide is a weapon that the devil likes to use. It’s really effective and does the trick, which is to keep you from being an effective member of God’s kingdom. It’s not hard to start believing the fiery darts called lies that the devil throws at you. It takes a long time for negative words to fade. I’ve heard that it takes 100 compliments to replace 1 insult. To help you wrap your mind around this, think of someone who is constantly being put down or is in a bad environment, where negative words are thrown around constantly. It could take a lifetime of kind words before the person starts truly believing it. This person is an easy target for the devil. He will use this to keep them down. He has one job and that is to deceive you, so you can’t be an effective follower of Christ.

                Suicide is so prevalent in our country and sadly I predict we will see a rise because we are so engrossed in technology that we don’t take the time to have a face to face conversation with another human who can show emotion and give a hug when needed. Up to this point I’ve been avoiding sharing my battle with thoughts of suicide. Please, don’t feel sorry for me, I’m good now…just use this to help you or someone close to you. I hope it will change your idea of the person who considers suicide as an answer…

Before I begin: I never attempted suicide but the thoughts were there.

I was in a very dark place as a teenager in high school growing up in a step family situation. I was depressed and didn’t feel loved. I remember thinking how everyone’s life would be better if I was gone. I would get caught up in my thoughts and think how good life would be for my mom, brother and everyone else around me if I wasn’t around. I was too scared to take my own life, partially because I was told the cardinal sin is suicide, and hell is where a person would spend eternity for taking their own life. (I have a different view now that I’m grown) I remember thinking if I just went full speed ahead into a tree or forest that should do it and my life would be over. It sounds silly, but I didn’t want to use a gun and from what I'd heard pills didn't work. I also wanted it to look like an accident, that way no one would realize it was suicide. Time and time again I would have these thoughts, but slowly, and I mean slowly they have faded to a memory of a time when I was in a dark pit. These thoughts still had a grip on my life in the early years of my marriage. God was there though, and he didn’t give up on me.

When I hear people say how could they do that or they are so selfish, it hurts. I agree, suicide is a selfish act but not everyone is focused on themselves when they take their own life. Suicide is not easy to understand and should be looked at as spiritual war fare. I would like to remind or point out to you that the devil tempted Jesus, son of God, with suicide. “Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. ‘If you are the Son of God,’ he said, ‘throw yourself down.” (Matthew 4:5-6) The devil waited until Jesus was tired and hungry and then started his attack. The same goes for us, and especially those considering suicide. The devil waits until you are beat down with life and throws the darts at you. You are a much easier target when you are beat down. If the devil tempted Jesus with suicide then he will most certainly use it against us. Yes, even Christians, who better to attack than those who claim to believe in God?

If you are tempted with suicidal thoughts, talk to a trusted friend or family member, read your Bible, have others pray for you, and if you can pray for yourself. Pray that God would bind Satan from these attacks. No matter the line you have been fed, the devil is lying to you. You are loved, you are precious, and worthy in God’s sight. Please reach out to someone, if you feel you have no one, I’m here, message me or call and we can talk. I pray this helps someone. To those who don’t understand suicide, trust me when I say neither does the person who is thinking it or has committed it.  Why, because it is not truly them who wants this, it is the devil. Spiritual warfare is real, and the rules are completely different than those we are used to in this world. You have to prepare for it and dress in your armor. Read Ephesians 6: 10-17 and do what it says, daily.

My friends, you are loved, you are more precious than gold! Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)

Convicted

Writing is my passion. Writing is my way of expressing myself. Writing clears my mind and frees me. Writing is my voice. Writing is what I’m supposed to do. This is how I’ve always felt but wasn’t confident enough to say so and certainly not the way I thought I would spend my time.

Have you ever felt convicted? I mean stake through the heart, sweaty palms, nailed to the pew convicted? I always thought when God convicted someone, they would feel ashamed and guilty. My assumption was wrong. The day I was convicted I didn’t feel ashamed or guilty but I did feel redirected.  I’m sitting here trying to think of how to explain how I felt that day, but it isn’t easy to do. The day I was convicted, was a normal Sunday morning. I walked my kids to the kids department and then walked into my Sunday school class. I had a conversation with a lady in Sunday school and the words she spoke was laced with wisdom. The words were so clear and jumped out at me. I didn’t give this too much thought and headed into our sanctuary. The songs were great, and really spoke to my heart. Then our pastor took the stage and within five minutes I knew I wouldn’t be forgetting this sermon anytime soon. The room became warm, my palms started sweating and I just knew Pastor was staring me down. It didn’t take too much longer and I wrote on my notepad, I need to quit and showed it to my husband. I was so scared he was going to say no, but his reply was, how soon. I told him as soon as possible. I sat in my pew, listening to the sermon while a stake was being driven into my heart. The sermon finally ended and my husband and I knelt at the altar and prayed. At lunch my nine year old son asked me, “If I ever thought about being a writer?” I told him, “yes, but not all writers can make enough money to support their families.” His response was, “I can do all things through Christ.” Not only did I shut my mouth, but I started to cry and knew I needed to do something quickly.

That night I nervously wrote my resignation letter and sent it to my principal. I couldn’t believe I was four weeks in and was resigning. I was nervous, scared, and excited all at the same time. I knew exactly what God wanted me to do and I was finally being bold enough to listen and do just that. As the weeks have passed I realize what I am giving up. I realize how off the wall it must seem to others and how much this action is frowned upon by the secular world. God convicted me that Sunday to write for him. As this sinks in, I realize that being convicted has nothing to do with feeling guilty or being ashamed of not doing what you know you are called to do, but simply a redirection. I have not felt ashamed, but instead through prayer have felt the courage to be bold and share what I am doing. I have not felt guilty for leaving before the school year ends, but instead empowered to live a life devoted to God’s calling on my life.

Am I scared? Yes! Am I nervous? Yes! Am I aware of the negative impacts this could have on me and my family? Yes! BUT……..

What if I didn’t listen? What if I chose to keep living life my way? What if God’s blessing is just around the corner and I didn’t obey? What if I let my fear win? What would I miss out on?

Friends, our lives are too short to not obey the one who created us. I can’t fathom where I would be if it weren’t for a God who saves. I do not want to live my life for myself and gain the treasures on this earth, and die and realize I have no treasure stored up for me in heaven. Who will you live for today? Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)

My Fear

Fear, what is it and why do feel it? To have fear is to be afraid. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” (1 John 4:18) Fear is not of God, because God is love. Let’s dig a little deeper with my thoughts on this….will you join me?

I turned 32 today. It’s been just like every other Monday so far this school year, rough. The one thing that keeps me thinking is the number 32. I have dreaded this age since I was 7, more realistically, probably 14. Why do I dread 32? This is the age my dad was when he died. I know, it was his life, not mine. I see things differently though. I see how much God has blessed me but that little bit of fear is still there. What fear you ask?

The fear that before this year is up, I will no longer be here. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Lord and can’t wait to meet him, but I still don’t want to leave my family. I’m selfish in that way. The thing about fear is no matter the size of it, if you’re not careful it will grow. I haven’t really dwelt on this today, but felt the need to share. I’m sharing, so others will know and pray for me. Pray that I will not stop doing what God has asked me to do because I’m waiting for my card to be punched. The devil wants this, he wants me to stop living; especially for God. So, the other reason why I am sharing my silly fear with you is so I can be held accountable and the devil will realize I’m not slowing down, not giving in and not going to let this little bit of fear paralyze me.

In a way, I faced my fear today. I didn't call in sick, or go home early. I faced the day, now 364 more to go! Here I sit, determined not to let my past rule over me. I am me, not my dad, not my mom, but me! My life will be lived with the intensity of finishing my race strong. So, here is to my head held high, shoulders back, spine straight, feet shoulder’s width apart.

I’m ready…..I’m ready……I’m ready! 

God please use me, make me into the person you created me to be.

What’s your fear? Thanks for reading mine. Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)

My Unplanned, Planned Summer

“I don’t need to know where I’m goin’ just need to know where I’ve been. " Mater, Cars

                My summer is just about over, one week left and the crazy, busy life I call school/work begins. I’m a little sad, but will be so glad to get back to the routine, funny how the very thing that stresses me out during the school year, calms me during the summer. I would like to share with you one of the lessons I have learned, well, truth be told, still learning this summer.

                I have had one of the weirdest summers I’ve ever had. I had my idea of how my summer was going to play out. I started planning it several weeks before I was actually out of school. (For those who don’t know I’m a teacher) My first day of summer was planned and ready for me to enjoy long before the exciting moment of being told, “You can go, enjoy your summer.” My first day of summer didn’t go as planned, and this was a sign of how the rest of my summer would go. My nice, strategically planned summer was about to become my nice, strategically unplanned, planned summer. Please hang with me while I share the high lights of my nicely planned month of June and how things turned out.

                The second full week of June was my first full week of summer. It was loaded with VBS, getting my hair trimmed and highlighted for our upcoming cruise, visit with a friend, and speaking to a group of girls. The third week of June was not as full so we could recover from VBS and rest before our week long cruise. I had plans to visit with friends, shop for the cruise (ya know, clothesJ), pack for the cruise and of course clean my house. The last week of June was our cruise. Sounds good, right? Nice, and planned out for the control freak that I am. Well, my nicely planned month turned into a game of 52 card pick up. I had to reschedule my hair appointment several times, for various reasons. Every time I would plan something, I would have to reschedule. I finally decided to stop planning. This is not an easy task for me. I was comforted by the fact that we did have VBS, which was a great time. I did get to visit a friend as in one, not friends, as in more than the one. We got to go on our cruise, which was a lot of fun. This rescheduling and adjusting my nicely planned month threw me off track. I was stumbling in the dark. I was so thrown off by this I couldn’t wait to board the boat and get away for a week, although I was very nervous this being my first cruise.

                We returned from our wonderful cruise and I realized it was now July. I had even bigger plans for July but so far those plans haven’t happened, and will not happen. I have spent the month of July recovering from the cruise, apparently my body liked the rocking motion of the boat. I’m just now not rocking or spinning every day. (Don’t worry, I’ve been to the dr.) This has meant that once again my nicely planned month turned into my nicely unplanned, planned month. In June I realized God was trying to teach me something but I couldn’t figure out exactly what or why. A month later I had my light bulb moment. This moment came during family movie night. The kids told me to pick the movie so as I went through our collection of movies I was focused on picking one we haven't seen in a while and I picked Cars. With lights off, and popcorn popped we started the movie. I have seen this movie at least a hundred times and wasn’t expecting to have God speak to me. As the scene played out where Mater and Lighting McQueen were speeding back to town after tractor tippin’ Mater starts driving in reverse. Lightin’ is concerned about Mater wrecking and states his feelings, but Mater’s response seemed to be louder than the rest of the movie so I wrote it down. Mater said, “I don’t need to know where I’m goin’ just need to know where I’ve been.” (Could be paraphrased) Wow, I understood what God was telling me and had been trying to get through my stubborn, now swaying head.

                “I don’t need to know where I’m goin’”, equates to I don’t need to plan out every second of my day because I need to listen to God’s directions. “Just need to know where I’ve been”, equates to me realizing where I use to be and where I am now. I’ve been driving and not allowing God to drive. Did you know race cars don’t have headlights? The driver can only see in the dark because the track is lit up. We, Christians, are in a dark world, and sadly, it’s only getting darker. The only way we can see the path that God has planned for us is to follow The Light. It’s nice to have structure, we need it, at least I do. The problem isn’t having structure, but planning so much that we don’t allow our lives to be influenced by God’s direction for the day. I don’t like that my path isn’t lit up the whole way but honestly would I keep going and trusting if I could see the valley or mountain that was in my path? (I highly doubt it!)

            This summer has not been an easy one for me. I have learned to enjoy the day and each moment in it, but I’m still struggling with this. I’m not struggling to enjoy the day or the moments, but to take each day as they come. Apparently I’m still in the fast lane of life. I need to move over to the right lane so I can slow down and stop on the shoulder every now and then to enjoy the scenery. Will you slow down too? My challenge to you is: don’t get so caught up in your routine and plans that you don’t see the path Jesus is lighting up for you. Until next time “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24, HCSB)