It's OK to not be okay

 I went through a lot as a child but nothing would prepare me for the day I miscarried. There are many thoughts, people and memories from that difficult time, but one sentence spoken to me in my brokenness was profound. That sentence started the healing process, not only for the loss of my unborn child but for the hurts that had built up over the years. God was already working on me, still is, but somehow these words reached my broken heart and aching soul: “It’s OK to not be okay.”  I laughed when my friend said this to me, but something whispered she was right. As time passed that truth became real and I realized it was ok to not be okay and more importantly it’s ok to tell others you’re not okay.

    I didn’t grow up thinking it was ok to not be okay. I grew up around people who hid their hurt and in turn I did the same. It was the only way I knew to deal with the hurt. That hurt was pushed down so deep that by the time I was grown I lashed out at those who loved me, and I walked around angry. Then one day my world crumbled and hasn’t been the same, God started breaking me so he could mold me.

    My world has fallen apart twice as an adult with hurt so deep I didn’t think I would come out of the pitch black pit I was in. The first time I was knocked to my knees was when my Granny died. God used a dear friend to carry me through those dark days, and when she moved He promptly put another dear lady in my life to continue the healing. The second time my world fell apart was when I miscarried. Again, God had someone to see me through the dark days and open my eyes to all my hurts that I had been holding onto so tightly. My walls had fallen, my spirit broken and all that was left was the pieces of a hurt little girl who ached to be set free. I started writing my blog months after my miscarriage and the healing came from sharing. God often times uses our deepest hurts to help us heal others and in turn it heals us. As Sheila Walsh says in her new book, “The Longing in Me”, “Our scars can give life to others so that their scars might be smaller.”

    Friends it’s a lot easier for me to look you in the eye and say “I’m good” or “I’m fine” when I”m really not. It’s hard for me to say “I’m not okay” because it shows I do not have it all together, that I have lost control. Here’s the truth: No one has it ALL together, and we are not in control. So, here’s to not being okay. I’m forever grateful for my friend who spoke those healing words to me years ago.

    My hurt could help you not hurt - so let's work on sharing our hurts so God can heal us and pour out his love, mercy and grace. Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Three Powerful Words

“Therefore when Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, ‘It is finished!’ And He bowed His head and gave up  His spirit.” (John 19:30 NASB)

The three most powerful, earth shattering words ever uttered was, “It is finished!” There are people who will argue that the most powerful words are “I love you” or “I am sorry” and to some extent I agree, both phrases are important and essential in every relationship. Without those three words spoken over 2,ooo years ago by a beaten, tortured, dying savior the two phrases I just mentioned are without significance. Jesus Christ, son of God, came to this earth so that ALL could have a relationship with God. There is not a relationship more important in your life than the one you have with God. All the “I am sorries” and the “I love yous” amount to nothing if you do not have a relationship with God. The phrase, “I love you” allows you to express how deeply you care about someone, it is usually spoken to people whom are significant in your life. The phrase, “I am sorry” allows you to let others know you realize you messed up or to show sympathy. The phrase, “It is finished” means so much more. It means ALL can have a relationship with God, it means I have been set free from my sins, it means death is not the end, it means I am loved, it means I have hope. Hope, for what you ask?

 Hope that no matter what this life brings God will be with me. Hope that I can always count on God to provide for me. Hope that when I breathe my last breath, I will be in paradise with my savior. When Jesus took His last breath and said, “It is finished”, he established hope for all who believes in him. He in three words defeated the brutality of this life, and conquered death, so that ALL could live.

Family, friends, acquaintances, to those who might read this that I have never met, do you know this hope I speak of? As my pastor said in our Good Friday service, last night, “Many know the concept of Jesus, but do you know Jesus?” There is a difference in knowing of Jesus and knowing Jesus. (I’m about to step on toes, so tuck them under or step back) Just because you are a “good” person, and just because your mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, and best friend know Jesus and have a relationship with him does not mean you are going to Heaven. Just because you attend church every time the doors are open does not mean you are going to Heaven. Heaven and Hell are real, both places are beyond our comprehension but that does not mean they do not exist. Take those three powerful words as an invitation to be loved and accepted. When Jesus spoke those final words, “It is finished”, he also said, “You are accepted”, “You are forgiven”, “You are mine”, and “I love you”. My prayer is that you know this love I’m speaking of- “A love without end, amen.”

Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

My "Issues" + My Struggles + My Weaknesses= His Power

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may reside in me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 (HSCB)

  The older I get, the more I spend time with God, I am beginning to truly understand what Paul meant by this. As I’ve written in previous posts I’ve built walls and in the past five years with God working in me most of them have crumbled. I am learning that in order for God to use me I have to let people in, even if it scares me. I’m an introvert, there is no getting around it, which means this verse goes completely against my fleshly desire, which is not share anything about me. As unnerving as it is for me, every time I share an issue, a struggle, or something I view as my weakness I feel free. A chain has been broken and I am no longer bound to the lies Satan whispers to me about those things. I am more likely to willingly share than I have in the past but I am still afraid of what the repercussions might be when others know more about me. When it’s hard for me to share I remember this verse about God’s grace being sufficient and His power is in my weakness, because He is all I need. I pray that every time I share a part of me God can be seen. For I am nothing without him and I’m willing to lay it all down at His feet, to allow him to use me and maybe just maybe my writing will help someone else knock down a wall or two. Francesca Battistelli’s song, “If We’re Honest”, really sums up what I’m rambling about:

“Truth is harder than a lie

The dark seems safer than the light

And everyone has a heart that loves to hide

I’m a mess and so are you

We’ve built walls nobody can get through

Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

Bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine

‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy’s waiting on the other side

If we’re honest

If we’re honest

Don’t pretend to be something that you’re not

Living life afraid of getting caught

There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

So bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine

‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy’s waiting on the other side

If we’re honest

If we’re honest

It would change our lives

It would set us free

It’s what we need to be

So bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine

‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy’s waiting on the other side

If we’re honest

If we’re honest”

This song is me, it is my struggle- I can look you in the eye and tell you I’m fine when I’m actually hurting on the inside. I would rather keep others in the dark than shine the light on me. I definitely try to hide my heart and I am a mess with walls only a few have managed to break through, that is until God started working on me. I am bringing my brokenness, will you bring yours? Will you lay it all down at the cross? I promise there is nothing more freeing than giving all your issues, struggles, and weaknesses to God, in exchange you will find His strength and power. There is no guilt, no shame found at the cross, only a freeing that can not be explained with words. Watch how much your life will change...if you need someone to hold your hand while you lay it down at the cross, I will. Let’s be honest, we’re all dealing with something-I’m not here to judge-just here to share His love. Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Listen to Francesca Battistelli’s song: “If We’re Honest”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySa3Vu4FUW8&index=1&list=RDySa3Vu4FUW8

Tug of War

This doesn't happen as often as it use to, but since I'm in a new environment I have been overwhelmed with thoughts and wanting to write but at the same time wanting to keep them to myself. This poem is the end result of that Tug of War:

My head swirls with thoughts,

my head yells write,

but my heart strings pull tight,

I’m torn between keeping it in,

and pulling the plug,

so out of me they will spin.

My heart is full,

my cup runneth over,

even so the pain is dull,

and seems to hover,

I push it away,

to focus on all the good,

blessings each day,

I count them as I should,

My struggle is real,

I’m new, I over think, and analyze,

I worry and get caught up in how I feel,

only to realize,

My emotions are getting the best of me,

I’ve been blinded by the waves,

I look deep within and see,

my Shelter, my Anchor, the One who Saves,

The thoughts they spin fast,

I feel as if I’m last,

Once I start prayin’,

I feel His Love and Grace,

and know I’m not alone in this race.

My Word for 2016

  Last year my Pastor challenged my church to pray for God to put one word on our hearts and my word was trust. At the end of 2015 I started asking God to put a new word on my heart. After a few weeks, he answered not with one word but with a sentence. He told me to be different... to make a difference. Little did I know that God would put something similar on Pastor’s heart and so the year begins with not only a new word/phrase but someone teaching me God’s word on how to make it happen.

    Our church has revisited its mission statement and it is as follows: “Others, when it’s not about me others will know Him.” How does my word/phrase fit with the church’s vision?

    The world we live in today is all about self, more specifically putting yourself first and above others. By putting others first I will be different from the world and it will make a difference. Now that we are over halfway through the first month of the new year I have no doubt this is what God is telling me to focus on this year. I ask God to use me and to be an encourager everyday but there is more that I can do. I will strive to be different to make a difference by putting others first so that they will know him.

    This is a short post, but there will be more to come. I want to leave you with this: Ask God to use you daily. How can you be different and put others first in order to be the difference this world needs? Will you take the challenge to be different? Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Reflecting on 2015

My word for 2015 was trust. At the beginning of last year when God put that word on my heart I had no idea what my journey would be or just how much I would need to remember that little five letter word. As I sit here reflecting on 2015 tears come to my eyes, partially for the joy and partially for the pain. Overall, 2015 was a year for many firsts and hopefully not lasts, not yet anyway. I had my highs and lows just like everyone else, but unfortunately my highs are directly tied to my lows. I’m finally at a point that I can look at them as two separate things, but it hasn’t been easy getting there. 2015 started out with a bang, a lot of hope and excitement and that’s where I’ll start my list with you:

January: I was writing my first children’s book

               Nick and The North End were preparing for a CD release party

February: CD and Children’s book released

March: Family first-went to Fort Worth Zoo over spring break

Late May: No longer writing children’s books

June: Alex: first time to go to church camp and first time to go to a week long camp in

          Dallas/Ft. Worth

         Bekah: first time to go to UT Tyler softball camp

July: Family road trip across Texas (first time)

August: I was hired to teach at New Summerfield (loving it, in case you were wondering)

September: Nick is no longer the drummer for The North End

November: David and Vals’ 40th Wedding Anniversary

                  Alex gets Sapphire (his dog)

December: God has started preparing us for what lies ahead for 2016.

I pick up where the lists stops, right now, December 31st sitting here trying my best to focus on the good and not the bad (sad) of 2015. God knows I struggled with my little five letter word -trust- ended up not being easy and certainly not little. I learned to trust God when my path no longer made sense and more importantly I learned to trust him and to not try to make sense out of everything that was happening. Sometimes it’s best to just trust that God knows and he knew what was going to happen and walk away, no matter how deep you are hurt. I’ve done some serious soul searching during my time off from work. Just in the last couple of hours I asked Nick what is one thing I can work on this next year to be a better person, mom and wife. I challenge you to ask someone who you love and can count on to be honest with you the same question. It might hurt to hear the truth, and I dare say this, only ask if you’re willing to truly work on whatever it is they say. Over the past week I have asked God to reveal to me what my word will be for 2016, have you? I have an idea what my word is, but I will not share it with you until I am certain of it. As we turn the lights out on 2015 and shine the light on 2016 remember whatever lies ahead that God is there, you can trust him and he has great plans for you.

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord,plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Security Blanket

Security Blanket

This Christmas one of the things that the media focused on was “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, but not the whole movie. The focus was on Linus dropping his blanket when he told the true meaning of Christmas. I, along with my family, had not noticed that Linus drops his blanket and the exact moment he quotes this scripture, “And the angel said unto them, ‘fear not ...” (Luke 2:10 KJV) This one moment made me think about my security blanket. As you read this post I ask you to consider what is your security blanket.

We all have a security blanket, it may not be a physical one like Linus carries, but we have one maybe more. I know, it sounds like I’ve jumped off the deep end, but hang with me for a few minutes. As kids we all had something that we felt kept us safe, it could have been a blanket, or a toy, or maybe just being at home with your family. My security blanket even into high school was my jacket. My jacket kept me warm when I was cold, which for me was majority of the year, it also hid my figure. No one could really see what I looked like when I wore my jacket and that allowed me to be me and not worry what others thought of me. What was your security blanket as a kid?

We outgrow those blankets or in my case jacket but they are replaced with other “blankets”. What is your security blanket as an adult? What are you holding onto so tightly that you fear letting it go? That fear, my friend, is your security blanket. The two don’t seem to relate, but just like a child with a blanket, we hold tightly to the things we are afraid of losing. I will ask it this way, what are you afraid of losing? Is it your family, friends, financial security, house, jobs, cars, reputation? The things I just listed are all blessings from God, so we can trust him to do what’s best for us. By holding on to these things we are not trusting God, but when we let go of our blankets we let go of our fear and put our trust back in God.

We need to acknowledge what it is we are holding onto so tightly and let it go. We need to hand our blankets over to God. I’m sure he has a huge linen closet for all of our blankets. Even if you have to give God your blanket every morning, or several times a day, he will gladly hold it for you. God will even carry it for you and eventually, after giving God your blanket over and over you will stop taking it back from God and God can put it in his linen closet to stay. The Bible says, “do not be afraid.”, 365 times once for every day of the year, and I'm sure you have heard that before, so every morning shaking hands and all give God that fear. God knows we all have security blankets, and we are scared to let go of them for fear of what might happen. When we let go of our blankets, we let go of our fear and we will learn that we can truly trust God.

I’m still learning to let go of my security blankets, yes that is plural. We may outgrow our security blankets as kids, but we will never outgrow our need for the one true security blanket-GOD.  Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

In case you missed it, here is the clip of Linus telling the Christmas story. Watch closely to see him drop his blanket.https://youtu.be/LxaG0ZrwJ5k