A Void...Filled

“Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

    What I’m about to share makes me nervous because once again it means I am letting you in by allowing you to see another heartache of mine that God has turned into an overflowing blessing.

     Allow me to give you some of my history so that you can see the blessing more clearly. When I was in high school I had a wonderful best friend; we did everything together. I was allowed to go on vacations with her and her family. We were able to finish each other's sentences and with one look knew what the other was thinking or feeling. When I went off to college that slowly started to change and by the time I married my husband our friendship was strained. Shortly after having her first child, we no longer talked; living hours apart had taken its toll. There was heartache in the loss and I was looking for a friend; a best friend.

    I believe God created us to need people, we need the interaction and more importantly we need to feel loved. God created marriage to give us a help mate for life and he also wants us to develop friendships that will last a lifetime. In today’s world with social media and everyone feeling the need to cram all sorts of events into their schedule to stay busy it’s hard to find a friend much less a best friend.The odds are stacked against you and to make it worse I was not from this area so I could not relate anyone. I can not tell you how many tears I have cried over the past 13 ½ years of my marriage because I did not have a bestfriend; someone who accepted me for me, who wanted to spend time with me even if that meant sitting at the kitchen table while I cleaned, someone who knew my thoughts before I spoke them. (Disclaimer: my husband is my best friend, and for that I’m thankful but a girl needs a girl best friend.) Within the last six years there were several friends who I figured would eventually be my best friend but for different reasons that was not the case.

    As the years passed and countless tears fell the feeling of not being worthy of having a best friend became a permanent thought. I was quick to think not only was I not worthy of having a bestfriend but there must be something wrong with me...I just wasn’t good enough and too weird for anyone to really like me. Three years ago I finally accepted that for whatever reason I was not meant to have a bestfriend and God wanted it that way. I still shed tears but if that was the path God wanted for me then I would accept it and keep my eyes on Him. I spent my time trying to be friendly to everyone hoping that someone would see that I genuinely care for others. As I focused on others the hurt of not having that friend faded and the thought hardly crossed my mind. The only time it hurt was when I would see posts on Facebook about besties; my heart still longed for a friendship like that but I knew it wouldn’t happen.

    Little did I know God was working on my behalf. Back in January our Pastor challenged us to lead someone to Christ or bring someone closer to Christ and I accepted the challenge. I was working at a different school that I am now and started praying for God to show me who it would be. As I prayed I felt led to talk to two of my coworkers and as the months passed it turned to one. Then out of nowhere that person pushed me away and I could tell things were changing. I began to realize that maybe this wasn’t the person God wanted me to help and sure enough I changed schools this past summer. In August I started working with the person I would bring closer to God, the person would break down walls I had carefully built, the person who would be the answer to the countless tears. As the school year began to have a routine my life would lose its routine and I couldn’t be happier. This person and I just clicked; she makes me a better person and God gave me my best friend. I’m so thankful that God knows what we need and when we really need it. No matter what you’re facing remember when you, “delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 I honestly thought I was fine but having a bestfriend has brought more joy to my life than I thought imaginable. Stay strong in your faith, walk obediently with God and He will meet your needs and bless  you with your wants according to His will. Until next time remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Thankful 2016

    I was blessed with the opportunity to spend some quality time my family but more importantly God this week. I would go outside in the mornings, turn on the fireplace and read my devotional, my Bible and pray. I so loved those quiet moments with my God, my Father. He was working on me this week, but that my friends is a post for another time. I wanted to take this moment to share with you what I am thankful for.
     I'm thankful for the air I breath, the gift of life and to live it in the best country in this world. My God has been faithful to me and has never left me.
       As I sit here writing I'm thinking of the valleys I have walked through, and I'm thankful I was never alone. I think of getting past the storm and finally seeing a rainbow. As I write this it hits me how important it is to not forget the valleys, we must remember them as well as the mountain tops, for then and only then can we truly see how loved and blessed we are. God will carry you, push you and calm the waves to get you through the dark times.
     I'm thankful for my family. 
       God blessed me with a wonderful Christian husband, who shows God's love to me and our kids. I'm thankful to have a man who puts up with me on my worst days, holds my hand on the days I feel defeated, and celebrates with me on my best days. God has blessed me, us, with two amazing kids. They teach me something new daily, but my continued lesson from them is how important the little things are in this life. On the days that I'm not sure I'm doing a good job being a mom they seem to instinctively know I need a hug and an I love you, which makes my insecurities dissipate for a few minutes.
    I'm thankful for my job.
       God blessed me with a job that I love. I am allowed and have the privilege of making an impact on my students, the future of this country. When I see the light bulb come on, or a student wants to teach others what they have learned I smile with pride. The hugs from ex students are always a welcomed reminder that I did something right. In my profession, you do not always know if you are truly making a difference so the little things like a "Hi, Mrs. Hardy", in public is a nice reminder of the difference I'm making. God blessed me with a great group of coworkers. Many of whom I already called friend, but I have added several more to that list. They make going to work fun.
   I'm thankful for my church.
      God is doing something mighty at my church right now, and if you don't have a church home and live in the Tyler area I would highly recommend coming to check us out on Sunday. God has filled the church with loving, caring, sinners who love to show God's love to others. The leaders push me to dive deeper in my faith and walk with God. They give me opportunities to not only grow in God but to show God's love in our community and throughout the world. God blessed me with an opportunity to go on a mission trip this past summer and my life was changed as I showed God's love to others. Our Pastor speaks the truth every Sunday, even though at times I wish he would get off my toes, I'm so thankful that he is not afraid to say what needs to be said, and will allow God to use him. Our worship leader is there to glorify God's name in song and allows the Spirit to move. God is using this guy in a mighty way to open hearts to allow the word to penetrate their hearts. Our Youth pastor is dedicated to the youth, he is everywhere supporting the youth of our church. The fire that has been lit in the youth is amazing to witness. Our Children's director puts her heart and her all into the young children of the church. She fosters a love for God in these kids and makes it a place that they all want to come back to. Yes, my church is a great place to be. Join me Sunday if you want to see for yourself. I promise you will not be disappointed.
   I'm thankful for my savior, Jesus Christ.
     Without my savior I would be nothing. I have hope when all is wrong because of the death he died for me. Lord, thank you for your son and all my blessings that I overlook daily.

Be sure to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for those truly are the treasures that will shine for a life time. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and if you are a continued reader of my writings, thank you. May God bless you and yours this holiday season. What are you thankful for? Have you counted your blessings? Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

       
   

God speaks....LISTEN

Last Sunday I had the following question running through my mind: What is God doing?

Have you ever witnessed God working in someone's life? Have you witnessed it first hand? That is exactly what happened to me this past week and more specifically Sunday. Please allow me to share:
   

Before I do let me give you some advice, when God tells you to do something do it. 

I had a friend reach out to me recently and I begged God to guide me through this process and as time passed I knew He was using me to speak to her. Saturday night I asked her to attend church with me and she said no. I will admit I was a little hurt, because I was only asking for her good not mine. A little while later I asked again and again she said no. This time I was a little frustrated, because I knew God was wanting her to attend church with me. We continued to talk and before we finished our conversation I was completely overwhelmed with a sense of urgency. Instead of asking her to attend church with me, which I made very clear I just wanted her to visit she did not have to join I asked her to please watch our church service live on Facebook. I let her know that I felt like there was something she was supposed to get from our church service and she agreed to watch. I was relieved, curious and excited to see what God could possibly have in store for her. I woke up Sunday morning pumped and eager to get to church, I sang out in the choir and was shocked by the energy I had. It was as if something came over me, I believe it was the Holy Spirit, He knew the importance of this service and I could feel it. As I sang I prayed that my friend was really watching and that God would speak to her. The worship part of the service was over and I wasn't ready to sit down, I wanted to run a few laps around the church, but that would have received some unwanted attention so I forced myself to sit down. The first thing I did was make sure I sent her a link so she could watch. Her response- "I'm watching, I needed to hear Oceans", made me smile from ear to ear. This was only the beginning of a day full of God orchestrating a service full of purpose. As my Pastor began his sermon he let the congregation know that he felt led to change the direction of the sermon and start the series differently. My heart skipped a beat as he stated what the sermon was going to be about and I let out a cry but quickly gained control of my tears. I sat in awe of what God had done and prayed that my friend was still listening and would listen all the way to the end of the service. The service ended and she let me know just how much the song, Oceans touched her and the words spoken was what she needed to hear. Story over...NOT...ready for this....
 Later that afternoon at the worship teams CD listening party I shared with the group about pleading with my friend to watch the service. I told them that she did watch us "live" and how the song Oceans spoke to her as well as the sermon. I felt led to share so they would be encouraged to keep doing what they were doing, because God is moving at Central right now. What I didn't realize was God wanted me to hear the other side of the story. One of the lead singers spoke up and told her story of God putting a song on her heart for the service, the song...Oceans. She asked the music pastor a week before if we could sing the song that Sunday. Practice that morning for Oceans was rough, so after practice she prayed about it and just knew someone was supposed to hear that song and wanted to sing it without any problems. The song was perfect for the service and no one would have known there was an issue during practice. My mind was blown! As Nick and I drove home I sat quietly replaying the events of the day in my head. What was God doing?
God put it on my heart to have this friend listen to the service, but a week earlier He put a song on someone's heart and had my Pastor change his sermon all for this person. Let that sink in for a moment....God knew what this friend needed to hear and was working on her behalf long before I even knew I would have the conversation about her watching my church service. I am so thankful for those who listen to God's nudges and do what he tells them to do.
   The next time you feel God nudging you to do something, no matter how small the nudge, do it. Please do not hesitate because you never know what is really happening, what God is really trying to do with that nudge. It was mind boggling to see and hear the different pieces that God fit together to reach my friend. I in turn shared with her the story about Oceans, I so wanted her to see how much God loves her. The cool thing about this is he loves you that much too. He will do all that he can to help you, to reach you for you are greatly loved by the Father. What a mighty God we serve! Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

BOLD

     While I was in Honduras I wrote a poem. I began writing it Thursday night and finished it Friday morning. This trip made me very aware of how bold I was being in a foreign country yet I was afraid to be this same way in my own country. God worked on me while I was in Honduras, though I'm still not where I need to be he definitely chiseled away some pieces of me and brought forth a new person. My prayer is that I will continue to be bold here in the states, my city and where ever the Lord takes me.

Here is my poem:

       BOLD

How can we be so bold,

In a land that is far from home,

To tell the greatest story ever told,

So the lost no longer have to roam,

Yet in the land,

Where we have it so grand,

We shy away from the Bible,

Afraid that we will be liable,

Here’s the truth,

We should be more like Ruth,

Be faithful and true,

Help others be one of Jesus’ Crew,

And for you guys,

Go into the land like spies,

Slaying your giants like flies,

Cause there is no time for the devil's lies,

How can we be so bold,

In a land that is far from home,

To tell the greatest story ever told,

So the lost no longer have to roam,

The challenge will be,

As family and friends we see,

To be bold,

To share the greatest story ever told,

Even in our land,

Where we have it so grand,

We need to take a stand,

And lend a helping hand,

Share Jesus’ story,

And give Him all the glory,

We have the freedom,

Let’s gain one more for the Kingdom,

How can we be so bold,

In a land that is far from home,

To tell the greatest story ever told,

So the lost no longer have to roam.

On A Mission....Trip

I had no intentions on going on a mission trip this summer. It was completely off my radar because we have our house up for sale. I knew there would be no way we could save money to help with a down payment and me go on the trip, so I figured I could go next summer. Then the next thing I know I couldn’t stop talking to Nick about wanting to go on a mission trip and I even told him I want to go on one next summer.  About a month before the team was set to leave that all changed. Nick and I went for our Sunday evening run and the urge to go on this trip kept getting stronger. When we would walk going on a mission trip is all I could talk about, then on the last run I was talking to God and I felt like I was supposed to inquire about going on the trip. As Nick and I finished our cool down I told him what I felt and he agreed that I should inquire if that is what I felt like God was telling me to do. By the time we got home it was an urgent need to inquire about the trip. I sent Jodie a text that explained how crazy it was that I felt like I was supposed to go on the trip and I knew it would be almost impossible because of how close it was for the team to leave. I asked if someone had backed out of the trip and that I would go if they had. Her response, which is not what I was expecting, was there is always room if you have a passport. I stared at my phone, frozen, for a split second and replied I have a passport. Jodie's response was, I have a spot. Again, I stared in shock at my phone, was God really telling me I am going on this mission trip?

 As you already know, that is exactly what God was telling me. In less than a week my trip was paid for and all that I needed to do to be able to go on the trip was handled, all by God’s grace. I was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and overwhelmed at how God worked on my behalf. I was excited to go but nervous too. As anxiety started to set in God revealed a verse from Isaiah that would calm me, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God.I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10) I knew God was going to do something big on this trip and I was scared of what it would be. I prayed and had my mind ready, you see I was going on this trip to show others Jesus’ love because when it’s not about me OTHERS will know Him. Little did I know when it’s truly about others and serving God the blessings you get in return far outweigh what you are doing for others, at least that’s how it feels to me. The one thing I wanted to do while on this trip was to be bold and share my love of Jesus with others, but I wasn’t sure I would be able to do that since I am quiet and keep to myself.

The first opportunity to be bold happened Monday on the flight to Honduras. A teenage girl sat to my left on the flight and a team member, Laura, sat to my right. I wanted to talk to the girl, but I wasn’t sure what to say and a nap sounded really good. After we lifted off I took a short nap and didn’t say a word to the girl until we were descending. It wasn’t a talk about God, but God was working. I had a simple conversation, that I started, with a stranger. For many people, like my husband, this is not a big deal but for me it was a big deal. The boldness I prayed for came in a simple conversation that day and led to me having more confidence. That conversation started knocking down walls and opening doors that I didn’t even know was there. The next day the boldness continued, as I mentioned in my last post we met BB, and I couldn’t wait to introduce myself to her. Unlike all the times before when meeting someone new I wasn’t nervous and the conversation came naturally as we were both pushing kids on the swings at the school we were visiting that day. It didn’t take long for me to realize I had made a new friend, and was amazed at how easy that conversation had been. I also took the time to visit with the teacher, yes the little bit of Spanish that I knew allowed me to talk to her and share a few smiles. In one day I had initiated two conversations with two different people that I had never met before and I was in shock at the boldness God had granted me. That same night, Cherie received some news and was understandably upset. When we went back to the bunk house she headed upstairs to her room and I followed. God was prompting me to go share my story with her, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to. After some time of wavering I gave in and knocked on her door and asked if she was up for a talk. That night after only knowing Cherie for a whole two days I shared part of my story with her. I honestly felt like I was rambling more than anything, but that night I made a friend and a little more of my brokenness was made whole.

As the week went on I spoke more and even joked around with the group, my walls were down and God was working. Then came the night that we shared our stories, I shared mine with the group and how the trip helped me find me, I didn't know I was missing. I of course broke down in tears, completely embarrassed, but as I finished others started sharing words of encouragement and the healing and the transforming power of God took place. I went to bed that night excited for what was ahead in Texas but nervous as to how people would respond to the “new” Kim. As with all changes you need a friend to hold you accountable, and so Jodie stepped in and said I will hold you accountable to be this new Kim. I’m so thankful for her and for her willingness to hold me accountable, because it would be so easy to go back into my shell and stay there. In all honesty I pray she never has to call me out because I really like the new me. I know there will be bumps in the road and days where I would much rather stay in bed or revert back to how I was but my prayer is that I won’t stay there for long and that I will remember this verse “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”(2 Timothy 1:7 NLT) As the days turn into weeks and the weeks into months I pray that I never forget the way God moved in Honduras, not just in me but in others as well. God willing I will go back and go on different mission trips too. A special shout out to my mission trip team for embracing me and helping me see who God wants me to be, much love to you all!! Until next time, remember :“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”2 Timothy 1:7 NLT

   

Actions Speak Louder than Words

 I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “actions speak louder than words”. I have always been a believer in this phrase and try to live by it. I can tell someone I like them but do my actions prove it? I can tell someone I love them, but do my actions prove it? I can tell someone that Jesus loves them, but do my actions reflect God’s love?

    This past week I lived out the phrase, “actions speak louder than words”, and so did the rest of the mission trip team. God blessed me with an opportunity to go to Honduras on a mission trip with a great group of people from my church. There has not been a better opportunity in my life to show God’s love without speaking many words, all because of the language barrier. It started shortly after we landed in Honduras and visited the children’s cancer center. I know very little Spanish and the children, as well as their parents did not know English. The best way to show how much we loved them was to play with the children. We took turns pushing the children on the swings, playing with them on the floor with their toys and handing out suckers. We attempted to talk to the children and the parents as well. Even though we didn’t speak the same language we could tell from the smiles on their faces that they enjoyed our visit. As we made it to our bunk house and prepared for bed, I nor any of the others were expecting what the week would bring.

    I woke up Tuesday, early, thanks to the birds' beautiful singing. I was ready to do God’s work, but little did I know he was already working on me. We had a wonderful breakfast, and the guys went to the drilling site while the girls went to the kindergarten school. The reunion between Jodie and BB was very heartfelt and moving to witness. We were all excited to meet BB and to get to know her since Jodie couldn’t stop talking about her after last year’s mission trip. We played duck, duck, goose and sang songs with the kids. We played with them outside. We went down the slide, pushed them on the swings, played chase, and soccer with them. Then we were faced with an obstacle, some tension, and though we couldn’t figure out where it was coming from or why it was there, we were not about to let it overtake our spirits and keep us from doing God’s work. A few of us gathered together and prayed, it seemed to help. A plan of how to restructure our activity for that morning was made, and the tension seemed to ease up a bit. After we served the children lunch, and helped clean up they went home and we went to the school the group from last year was at. Another sweet reunion between Jodie and Karina would touch my heart so deeply, that it left me hoping for a connection like that with one of the kids. Karina jumped into Jodie’s wide open arms and you could tell how much they missed and cared for each other. A reminder from God of just how much he loves us, and how important it is to share his love with others. We played soccer with the kids that came up to the church and enjoyed visiting with them and each other. That night at dinner, Cherie, one of our team members had some heart breaking news, and I stepped out of my comfort zone and shared part of my story with her. Our actions speak so much louder than our words, and this was just the beginning.

Wednesday came with the same beautiful song sung by the birds, and a hesitation of what the day would bring. After our breakfast and morning devotional, we once again went our separate ways. Our prayers were answered and walls started to come down. We went to the Jr. High/ High School where our missionary was one of the teachers. Her students were learning English, so it gave them a chance to practice speaking English and us a chance to speak Spanish without feeling too silly. The students sang a song for us in Spanish and we sang a song for them in English. It’s amazing how music will tear down any wall that is before you. The students wanted to play soccer, so we walked down the street to a basketball ball court, and played soccer. Those of us who wanted to play soccer went on the court and took turns playing, while those who didn’t want to play sat in the bleachers. The ladies from our group had the opportunity to paint the nails of the girls who decided to sit out of the game. There were smiles all around that morning. After playing for a little over an hour we walked back to the school where Star taught a lesson and shared how God loves us even when we mess up. Then Peyton stepped in a taught a lesson on kindness, which tied directly into Star’s lesson. We served lunch and after school ended we went back to the bunkhouse for the day to be sure we were ready for church. One of the students went back to the bunkhouse with us and shared his story. We all gave him some advice, and watched Peyton pour wisdom into this young man. We began to see a transformation in this young man, and I pray it continues long after we are gone. As he shared it opened the door for BB to share part of her story and instantly I knew I needed to share part of my story with her too. That night after church, during dinner and our reflection time I was overwhelmed by how our devotional and our actions for the day were linked, even the lessons that were taught connected. Our prayers were being answered and God was working on everyone’s hearts.

    Thursday we were met with another obstacle. We went back to the school where the group from last year went, but no one was there. A few of the students saw the van and came to play, but when we asked where everyone was they said they were not having school. Being flexible, we went to the school yard and played soccer, talked, and colored with the students. The lady who feeds the students at the feeding center told us she was feeding the students, so we played until a little before lunch and walked back to the center. As the students came in and got settled it was time for Audrey to shine. She taught her lesson, and did a great job. After lunch we played soccer, basketball, and kickball. One boy found one of the guys from our group and would not leave his side. He was all over him, and made him sit by him for lunch and the lesson. It was the cutest thing to see. Even though there was a language barrier, the smiles on everyone’s face said enough. The high fives when someone would score a goal, or a laugh when someone would mess up just showed how much alike we all are. That afternoon the girls were treated with the opportunity to visit the guys and the drilling site. Who knew it would be so loud. :) It was neat to see what the guys were doing and to hear how they were witnessing to the drillers and the students at the school across the street. On the way to the site we stopped to pick up one of the students of the missionary who needed help on his homework. It just so happened to be reading (in English) and there just happened to be a seat open next to me. On the drive to the site, I helped a student with his homework. Funny, how God will use you wherever you are, in Honduras in a van heading to a drilling site for a water well.

As another morning dawned the reality of how alike North Americans and Hondurans are was being impressed on my heart. The ladies returned to the kindergarten school with a box full of goodies for the teacher to use in her classroom and so Star could could screen the kids’ vision. Star was great, and taught the missionary and BB how to screen the the students for vision. This is something that we take for granted here in the states and was very much needed at the schools in Honduras. While Star screened the students the rest of us played with the students who were not being screened. We watched their awesome teacher teach them a lesson and work with them individually. As Star, the missionary and BB were finishing the screening we started serving lunch, washing the dishes, cleaning the tables and sweeping and mopping the floors. I hugged my little amiga bye and realized that leaving Honduras was not going to be easy. We had a little down time in the afternoon but it wasn’t wasted. The group of ladies visited with the missionary for a while. After she left I took the opportunity to visit with BB. She shared more of her story and I shared more of mine. We both realized how even worlds apart people everywhere are hurting. I lifted her up in prayer and did my best to encourage her. My heart started to grow heavy with sadness as we only had two days left. We had dinner with the missionaries and truly enjoyed their company, the stories, the encouragement from others, and the laughter.

    Saturday was a new experience as we went grocery shopping for the feeding centers, visited a shopping center and went to an orphanage. The grocery shopping didn’t take long as we all helped out, well except me, I guarded the buggy. It was an eye opener as to how much food was bought for the week to feed three different schools and I put probably that same amount, honestly more, in my buggy to feed my family. It makes you think of how much food we have that we let go to waste or that I buy and we don’t really need. As we walked down the street one little boy said in amazement, “Gringos”. We all giggled at that, it makes you feel like you’re a celebrity. It was as if he couldn’t believe we had walked in front of him. We met the guys for lunch at an authentic Honduran restaurant and enjoyed the midday fellowship which had not happened all week. After we left the restaurant and the men went back to the drilling site, the ladies went to an orphanage that houses 500 children. We had the opportunity to play with the babies. The smiles on their faces as we played with them made me feel so blessed. It was then that it truly sank in that, babies are babies, and kid are kids, and adults are adults, all over this world. We may speak a different language, but our needs and desires at each stage of life are essentially the same. We did not have to speak Spanish to know that the baby wanted to be picked up when it toddled over to one of us with it’s arms reaching up. The baby who was crying because they wanted a toy another child had did not need to explain what was wrong. We are ALL the SAME!

There is nothing like mixed emotions, ready to go home but not ready to say goodbye. This was our Sunday. We started our morning off with breakfast and spent thirty minutes of alone time with God. We were seeking His guidance for what He wanted us to do when we made it back home. He spoke to me, but my story is for another post. We attended church that morning, Laura taught the Sunday school lesson and did a wonderful job. Jodie did the craft, which was the salvation bracelet. The kids had fun, and several let us know that they know Jesus. It makes saying goodbye easier when you can say I may not see you again this side of Heaven but I will see you in Heaven. Mark had a wonderful sermon, and the music was great. I enjoyed singing in Spanish, and Peyton was also given the opportunity to sing a few songs as well. It was hard watching Jodie say goodbye to Karina, and it broke my heart to see the tears. The hard part isn’t just saying goodbye, but knowing what we are going home to and what they are not. After church we had yet another amazing meal, and just had time to reflect. Some of us took a nap, while some of us went for a walk. Honduras is a beautiful country, and God’s majesty is on display constantly there with the scenery. We attended our last church service in Honduras Sunday night, with yet another great sermon and music. The last few minutes we were able to visit one last time with our new friends. We lifted them up, encouraged them, and told them we hope to see them in Heaven one day. Knowing the stories of some of the children is heart breaking and it makes you want to bring them all home with you, but the reality is you can’t. I find comfort and peace knowing that God loves them more than I do, and he will take care of them.

    The hugs given, the smiles shared, the laughter that filled the room. The tears shed, the kisses blown, the memories in full bloom. As I sit here writing this I’m in awe of my God and the work He did this past week. This trip has taught me that no matter the language love can be shown, actions really do speak louder than words. Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Keeping Count

Do you know someone who keeps track of everything you do or do not do for them? How about someone who insists on repaying you every time you do something for them? That person is probably reserved with expressing how they feel about you, most of the time like and love are on the opposite ends of the spectrum for these people. Don’t get me started on the dislike and hate spectrum, yes for these people those four emotions are not on the same scale. This same person probably seeks approval constantly. Has anyone crossed your mind yet? Can I tell you a secret? I was that person, constantly seeking approval from family, friends, and even acquaintances, always wanting to pay someone back for doing something for me, and keeping count of what others did or did not do for me. I still struggle with approval from others, but I no longer keep count or try to always pay someone back. God opened my eyes to these things, hopefully I can shine the light on this type of thinking so you can better understand someone who struggles with this or help yourself.

    The best way to explain this type of thinking is from my own perspective. I’m not saying this is why everyone thinks this way, but it’s my truth of this type of thinking. I did not have a complete understanding of who God was/is. When your view of God is off, your view of life is off. I believed God was distant and kept count of every single thing I did, that means right and wrong. I thought he punished me for doing wrong and rewarded me for doing right. I thought I had to work to earn his love and keep his love. My God couldn’t love me, how could he love me when he took my daddy from me? Maybe if I was a good girl I could earn his love and he wouldn’t take anything or anyone else from me. So, I transferred my view/belief of God to the people around me. I spent all of my teenage years keeping count of the good things I’d done for others and the good and bad things they did for/to me. This continued until I started attending church with my husband and learning who God really was. Even after I went to church on a regular basis I would keep count of what others did or didn’t do. My family was my main target, then friends started to be added to the list and let me tell you this is no way to live. I was always hurting, because people always let me down. I have learned that people will always let you down, especially when you look to them to build you up. Two more lessons on God have helped me with this thinking, and I hope you can grasp it, because living a life where you keep count is absolutely miserable.

    First lesson is this, God loves you no matter what you’ve done. There is nothing you can do that will ever change that. His love can not be bought, you can not earn his love, it will not change. Close your eyes, picture the person you love with all your heart, the person you would die for. That love you have for that person is how God loves you but multiply it by infinity. Once you understand how much you are loved, you no longer look to others for approval (well not as much), you no longer keep count of what others do to you because you have a new love for them, you no longer do good deeds so God will love you. Let this thought go, take hold of the truth that God loves you just the way you are, and hold on to that.

    Second lesson, God’s grace is new daily. If God forgives me daily (honestly throughout the day), then shouldn’t I extend that grace to the people I care about. God does not expect me to be perfect, I’m so thankful for that, so why should I expect other humans to be perfect? They can’t and will never be perfect, and I’m just setting myself up for heartache if I do expect perfection. The minute I realized God was not punishing me for my imperfections, I felt better. As I have slowly let go of trying to be perfect life has become more enjoyable...I’m sure I’m much easier to be around. (Sorry Nick...thanks for putting up with me!)

    My God loves me and he loves you all the same. Once I realized this, I started being able to accept others for who they are and I love others more easily than before. It’s not easy, but I no longer keep count and decide what scale I will use to measure people by. The only use for keeping count and using my scale was to cause me more hurt. My misunderstanding of God, led to my misunderstanding of relationships. Stop keeping count, forgive, let go and move on. Give people a chance, stop withdrawing because of the fear of them hurting you and don’t feel obligated to pay others back every time they do something nice for you. It takes away from their joy. Don’t live your life seeking approval from others, there is only one that can give you the approval, acceptance and love you’re looking for, that is God. I still struggle at times with each lesson I just shared with you, but a heavy burden was lifted once I accepted God’s love and grace. Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Vicious Cycle

Have you ever felt God calling you out of your comfort zone? I have and although I’m usually hesitant at first I follow what God is calling me to do. My recent experience is within this school year and is continuing today, but I’ve messed up with part of it. I feel like I should share a lesson I’ve learned thus far. To keep other people’s lives private I’m not going to share the “full” version of my lesson.

    God put a particular person on my heart and made it to where I crossed paths with this person daily, sometimes several times a day. I began to pray and things were good, but almost as quickly as this daily encounter began things soured. I would pray and pray and it didn’t seem to help. I didn’t and still do not understand why this person was put on my heart. As I struggled and wondered what I did wrong my husband got to hear EVERY single detail, emotion, and thought I had. Some days were good and I would think God heard me then BOOM several bad days in a row. I was in a vicious cycle, one that had me spinning in circles that left me emotionally drained, physically tired and spiritually unsure. About a week ago, God used my husband to break my will power. I had been fighting back tears for a while, not the little cry, but the big, fat tears that lead to the ugly cry. (Ladies, you know what I mean.) Nick didn’t use harsh words, he sat as we ate breakfast patiently listening to me spin the situation and my thoughts, then gave his opinion and advice. Bring on the tears….I was upset with what he said but in all honesty I was more upset with what he made me realize.

    In between sobs the truth that set me free from the vicious cycle rose from the depths of my heart. I, I’m mad at God I sputtered and in the silence my hurt dissolved into peace as the rest of that truth rushed to be set free...I continued: “I’m mad at God because I stepped out of my comfort zone and did what He asked me to do, and I got hurt...because things didn’t go how I thought they would.” As the tears poured down my face, my heart and soul were being cleaned.As I accepted that statement as the true problem to this unrelenting cycle I was in, I asked God to forgive me. Before I could finish asking for forgiveness I felt His peace wash over me.

    Now that I’ve had time to reflect on the whole situation it falls back to me trying to understand the why and force things to go the way I wanted them to go, not completely trusting God and his purpose for putting this person on my heart. My devotional says it best:

“It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire. Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem, to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!” -Jesus Calling,Sarah Young

    My friends, I did this exact thing. I couldn’t figure out the why so I took control which led to the vicious cycle and the only way it stopped was when I put my focus back on the one that matters-Jesus. I’m at peace now, and I know I can trust the one who leads me by still waters. Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

It's OK to not be okay

 I went through a lot as a child but nothing would prepare me for the day I miscarried. There are many thoughts, people and memories from that difficult time, but one sentence spoken to me in my brokenness was profound. That sentence started the healing process, not only for the loss of my unborn child but for the hurts that had built up over the years. God was already working on me, still is, but somehow these words reached my broken heart and aching soul: “It’s OK to not be okay.”  I laughed when my friend said this to me, but something whispered she was right. As time passed that truth became real and I realized it was ok to not be okay and more importantly it’s ok to tell others you’re not okay.

    I didn’t grow up thinking it was ok to not be okay. I grew up around people who hid their hurt and in turn I did the same. It was the only way I knew to deal with the hurt. That hurt was pushed down so deep that by the time I was grown I lashed out at those who loved me, and I walked around angry. Then one day my world crumbled and hasn’t been the same, God started breaking me so he could mold me.

    My world has fallen apart twice as an adult with hurt so deep I didn’t think I would come out of the pitch black pit I was in. The first time I was knocked to my knees was when my Granny died. God used a dear friend to carry me through those dark days, and when she moved He promptly put another dear lady in my life to continue the healing. The second time my world fell apart was when I miscarried. Again, God had someone to see me through the dark days and open my eyes to all my hurts that I had been holding onto so tightly. My walls had fallen, my spirit broken and all that was left was the pieces of a hurt little girl who ached to be set free. I started writing my blog months after my miscarriage and the healing came from sharing. God often times uses our deepest hurts to help us heal others and in turn it heals us. As Sheila Walsh says in her new book, “The Longing in Me”, “Our scars can give life to others so that their scars might be smaller.”

    Friends it’s a lot easier for me to look you in the eye and say “I’m good” or “I’m fine” when I”m really not. It’s hard for me to say “I’m not okay” because it shows I do not have it all together, that I have lost control. Here’s the truth: No one has it ALL together, and we are not in control. So, here’s to not being okay. I’m forever grateful for my friend who spoke those healing words to me years ago.

    My hurt could help you not hurt - so let's work on sharing our hurts so God can heal us and pour out his love, mercy and grace. Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Three Powerful Words

“Therefore when Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, ‘It is finished!’ And He bowed His head and gave up  His spirit.” (John 19:30 NASB)

The three most powerful, earth shattering words ever uttered was, “It is finished!” There are people who will argue that the most powerful words are “I love you” or “I am sorry” and to some extent I agree, both phrases are important and essential in every relationship. Without those three words spoken over 2,ooo years ago by a beaten, tortured, dying savior the two phrases I just mentioned are without significance. Jesus Christ, son of God, came to this earth so that ALL could have a relationship with God. There is not a relationship more important in your life than the one you have with God. All the “I am sorries” and the “I love yous” amount to nothing if you do not have a relationship with God. The phrase, “I love you” allows you to express how deeply you care about someone, it is usually spoken to people whom are significant in your life. The phrase, “I am sorry” allows you to let others know you realize you messed up or to show sympathy. The phrase, “It is finished” means so much more. It means ALL can have a relationship with God, it means I have been set free from my sins, it means death is not the end, it means I am loved, it means I have hope. Hope, for what you ask?

 Hope that no matter what this life brings God will be with me. Hope that I can always count on God to provide for me. Hope that when I breathe my last breath, I will be in paradise with my savior. When Jesus took His last breath and said, “It is finished”, he established hope for all who believes in him. He in three words defeated the brutality of this life, and conquered death, so that ALL could live.

Family, friends, acquaintances, to those who might read this that I have never met, do you know this hope I speak of? As my pastor said in our Good Friday service, last night, “Many know the concept of Jesus, but do you know Jesus?” There is a difference in knowing of Jesus and knowing Jesus. (I’m about to step on toes, so tuck them under or step back) Just because you are a “good” person, and just because your mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, and best friend know Jesus and have a relationship with him does not mean you are going to Heaven. Just because you attend church every time the doors are open does not mean you are going to Heaven. Heaven and Hell are real, both places are beyond our comprehension but that does not mean they do not exist. Take those three powerful words as an invitation to be loved and accepted. When Jesus spoke those final words, “It is finished”, he also said, “You are accepted”, “You are forgiven”, “You are mine”, and “I love you”. My prayer is that you know this love I’m speaking of- “A love without end, amen.”

Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

My "Issues" + My Struggles + My Weaknesses= His Power

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may reside in me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 (HSCB)

  The older I get, the more I spend time with God, I am beginning to truly understand what Paul meant by this. As I’ve written in previous posts I’ve built walls and in the past five years with God working in me most of them have crumbled. I am learning that in order for God to use me I have to let people in, even if it scares me. I’m an introvert, there is no getting around it, which means this verse goes completely against my fleshly desire, which is not share anything about me. As unnerving as it is for me, every time I share an issue, a struggle, or something I view as my weakness I feel free. A chain has been broken and I am no longer bound to the lies Satan whispers to me about those things. I am more likely to willingly share than I have in the past but I am still afraid of what the repercussions might be when others know more about me. When it’s hard for me to share I remember this verse about God’s grace being sufficient and His power is in my weakness, because He is all I need. I pray that every time I share a part of me God can be seen. For I am nothing without him and I’m willing to lay it all down at His feet, to allow him to use me and maybe just maybe my writing will help someone else knock down a wall or two. Francesca Battistelli’s song, “If We’re Honest”, really sums up what I’m rambling about:

“Truth is harder than a lie

The dark seems safer than the light

And everyone has a heart that loves to hide

I’m a mess and so are you

We’ve built walls nobody can get through

Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

Bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine

‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy’s waiting on the other side

If we’re honest

If we’re honest

Don’t pretend to be something that you’re not

Living life afraid of getting caught

There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

So bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine

‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy’s waiting on the other side

If we’re honest

If we’re honest

It would change our lives

It would set us free

It’s what we need to be

So bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine

‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy’s waiting on the other side

If we’re honest

If we’re honest”

This song is me, it is my struggle- I can look you in the eye and tell you I’m fine when I’m actually hurting on the inside. I would rather keep others in the dark than shine the light on me. I definitely try to hide my heart and I am a mess with walls only a few have managed to break through, that is until God started working on me. I am bringing my brokenness, will you bring yours? Will you lay it all down at the cross? I promise there is nothing more freeing than giving all your issues, struggles, and weaknesses to God, in exchange you will find His strength and power. There is no guilt, no shame found at the cross, only a freeing that can not be explained with words. Watch how much your life will change...if you need someone to hold your hand while you lay it down at the cross, I will. Let’s be honest, we’re all dealing with something-I’m not here to judge-just here to share His love. Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Listen to Francesca Battistelli’s song: “If We’re Honest”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySa3Vu4FUW8&index=1&list=RDySa3Vu4FUW8