Have you ever said a prayer and finished it with not my will but yours? I have. As a matter of fact I prayed that almost every day this week. Have you ever wanted something but you wanted to make sure you were in God’s will? I have. This past week was heart breaking for me, but also an eye opener. If you have a minute, let me share what happened this week.
I had an interview with a school for my dream job. My dream job is coaching and teaching P.E. As with any extracurricular activity the pay is better than a regular teacher; which is only an added bonus to doing what you love. I started my week off in prayer. I wanted God to give me the right words to say in the interview and to be confident. I continually prayed for His will to be done and not mine. My prayer worked and I had a great interview and was told I would hear back from them by Wednesday or Thursday. So, I continued to pray; God your will not mine. I felt so confident that I was going to get the job that I felt assured my will and His will were the same. There was only one problem. Somewhere between the heartfelt not my will but yours and after the interview; my prayer switched. It was subtle and I didn’t realize it until last night at my kids meet the teacher. At some point Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday not my will but yours became not your will but mine. I wanted my dream job, and I wanted it bad. One night while talking to my husband about praying to God about this job I actually said, “not your will but mine.” I honestly didn’t mean it that way but looking back I think my subconscious was telling me what I really wanted. It was in that moment that I realized I wasn’t seeking God’s will anymore I was throwing a fit like a toddler wanting my way. Not only did I want my way but I wanted it now!
It’s Friday afternoon and I didn’t get my dream job. The funny thing is I’m okay with it. I didn’t think I would be, but God reminded me in a very gentle way what is more important right now. Last night at meet the teacher I saw my two very different children approach their new school nervously. As they both spent time in their new classrooms and meeting their new teachers they became relaxed. By the time we left they were excited and ready for school to start. I realized as I was filling out the paperwork (which gives you writer’s cramp) how much I would miss if I took the coaching job. I wouldn’t take them to school or pick them up. I wouldn’t be able to go to parties or field trips. Nope, I would be the working mom who had some time to spend with her kids but we would have plenty of money. As I laid down to fall asleep last night I thanked God for showing me what was important. Coaching is a great way to impact children, but what good am I if I don’t have the time to teach mine the important things in life? How could I be the mom God created me to be with a schedule as unrelenting as one of a coach? My heart broke when I realized I wasn’t getting my dream job, but it broke my heart more to realize how quickly I was willing to give up the impact I have on my kids by being involved in their school activities. I’m so thankful for a God who looks past my wants and my tantrums and gives me what I need. My lesson for the week: who’s will am I really seeking. It’s a contest battle between flesh and spirit. I truly want God’s will and not mine. Letting go of my worldly dreams and what I wanted to become and allowing God to mold me into who He wants me to become is painful. It will be something I struggle with, but I will praise Him for not giving up on me. The most important thing in my life as a parent is to teach my children about God. “Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” Numbers 6:24
*Bible verses taken from HCSB
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