Here I sit...

Here I sit, wondering what everyone thinks about me going back to teaching. It's been about a year since I was convicted to leave teaching to start writing. I wrote, and wrote some more, and will still write, but things didn't go the way I thought. Maybe I gave up too soon, maybe I needed the year off from teaching because of the health issues I had, maybe I jumped the gun to leave teaching too soon.

So here I sit, listening to the voice in my head. The doubt, the shame, the what ifs...then I stop because a louder voice says: You are loved. You are mine. I'm not through with you yet. I smile, and peace settles over me.

This life isn't easy. Things happen and well, it's not easy to live on one income.... a teacher's income at that. It doesn't really matter what others think, but it does matter what God thinks. I'm not sure how He feels about me going back to teaching, but I can tell  you I'm praying more than I was. I'm making a point to spend time with my family, which seems backwards. I am making every moment count as to when I was home, I wasn't, not really.

I feel like I have a purpose again, and look forward to how God uses this journey to mold me into who He created me to be. I'm not perfect, don't want to be, although I catch myself trying to be. The best feeling in the world, is knowing that God loves me and there is no shame or condemnation in Him.

Here I sit, more determined to be a better me, so that I can be someone's greatness. The one who lifts others up, who goes the extra mile, who really sees the person talking to me, the smile on a sad day. I was at a crossroads this summer, I picked one and I will walk down it with my head held high, knowing that with God all things are possible.

Divine Appointment

Divine Appointment

Today’s church service was a divine appointment for me. It was set up without me knowing about it, by the one who knows my heart and what is really going on inside. Today was my day to work in one of our children’s church services, but plans changed. At first I was discouraged, because I wasn’t dressed in “church” clothes. I wear jeans and a t-shirt with our church logo on it when I work in the children’s department so I don’t have to worry about messing up my good clothes. I share that just to show I wasn’t too excited about going to “big” church but I was glad that I would get to hear the guest speaker this morning.

God started knocking on the walls of my heart this morning in Sunday school when our children’s director spoke to our class about the mission trip she went on. I was moved by what she had to say and when she mentioned the word fear it jumped out at me. FEAR, something Christians shouldn’t have, if they have faith...right. Well, I will be the first to say I have fear but I also have faith. I wasn’t shocked by her fear, I was rattled that the word FEAR spoke so deeply to me. As I mentioned, I wasn’t suppose to be in “big” church so I didn’t sit in my normal spot,(You know our names are on the pews...lol) I was moved by the music and felt God’s presence. As the guest speaker started talking tears started forming. OH, how I do not like to cry, especially not in front of people, so I did my best to keep the tears from falling. I didn’t win that battle, nope as the tears rolled down my cheeks I realized how much I had been holding in, how I had been living in fear for several months.

I have shared about some of my fears before, but this time God was letting me know what he thought about those fears. I wasn’t handing them over to him. Why? Because I was afraid of what he thought of me, just like I’m afraid of what others will think of me by the end of this post. The truth is you can’t say anything about me that I haven’t already allowed myself to think and trust me, they aren’t words that God would use to describe me. My fear was letting others know that I’m going back to teaching. I have tried to justify it to myself so I could tell myself I wasn’t a hypocrite, or turned from God or trying to take things into my own hands. See, I’ve already considered what others would say or think once I told them and there is more where that came from. I beat myself up and would rather hide in my fear of what others will say or think instead of walking boldly in God’s truth and knowing that I have peace in this decision.

I am arguing with myself as I am typing to try to keep from continuing to justify why I went back to teaching. The truth is God opened the door for me and I have peace about it. This is what is best for my family and no matter how much I feel like I am a disappointment, a failure, and a hypocrite for not sticking with staying at home and writing I have peace about going back to teaching. I enjoy kids and teaching and watching them have “lightbulb” moments and truthfully I can keep writing. So, enough trying to explain myself and back to my divine appointment. I walked out of church with the reminder that God is bigger, much bigger than my fear of what others will think or say about me. I needed a hug after that service, and because I hadn’t shared with anyone in that building my fear I walked out wishing I would have trusted God enough to share what was going on in my life and my fear with a friend or two. Living in fear caused me to back away from others and not share my burdens. I pray that you will not allow fear to rule over you, but instead turn it over to God, because as I learned this morning, fear is rooted in pride. I’m so thankful for my divine appointment this morning and thankful for my God who knows my heart, and loves me all the same. I'm doing the best I can, as I know you are too. Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” Numbers 6:24

It's Simple but It's Not Easy

It’s Simple but It’s Not Easy

Have you heard the phrase, “it’s so simple it’s hard” or it’s simple you are just making it difficult”? I have, I heard these two phrases a lot when I was in school. My teachers, especially my math teachers, would tell me I was overthinking the problem. I simply needed to work the formulas out. Formulas are simple, you just plug in the numbers and don’t worry about the why. That did not mean that working the formulas out was easy. To be good at working out the formulas you need to know the steps and what order to do the steps. (PEMDAS or FOIL) The older I get the more I realize following Jesus is simple, but it’s not easy.

      Following Jesus is more like a math problem than I would like to admit to and maybe that’s why I’m not too good at it. WHAT??? I know, what a weird comparison. To follow Jesus we first have to accept that we are sinners, accept that we need a savior, accept that Jesus is our savior, and accept that he will guide us. So, where’s the formula and what’s the problem? How about we just look at the formula for a minute.  

A+B+C+D=FOLLOWER of Jesus

(This is not an exact step to become a Christian)

A = Accept we are sinners

B = Accept we need a savior

C = Accept Jesus is our savior

D = Accept Jesus will guide us

Just like the math problem, we simply have to plug in the steps and once we do we become a follower of Jesus. The problem isn’t the formula, it’s the person working the formula out. We try to do things our way, because it make sense or we do it this other way because that’s how we were taught. We want to add our spin to the formula and we expect it to work out just like it would if we followed the steps in the formula. Let’s look at an Old Testament man who was given a formula, it was simple, but it was not easy.

“So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out.” (Genesis 6:14) God told Noah to build an ark, not only did he tell him to build it, he gave him the exact measurements for the ark. God, in a way gave Noah a formula. It was simple to follow, but that did not mean it would be easy to build. Noah had to work on this ark, when others doubted him. He had to know without a shadow of a doubt that God told him to build this ark, and he couldn’t worry about what others thought of him. I’m sure Noah struggled with the corruption of others, those who did not believe in God, and those that did not believe God spoke to Noah. Not only was his job one of strenuous, but he had to deal with people thinking he was a wackadoo. His task was before him, but would he allow what others thought of him keep him from completing the job? Would he follow the formula even if it didn’t seem to make sense to him? As a matter of fact, he did. “Noah did everything just as God commanded him.” (Genesis 6:22)

God gave Noah a formula, the measurements to build the ark, God has given us a formula, and measurements to build our faith in Him. Once we become a follower of Jesus, we need something to guide us. How do we know we are doing the right things? How can we know for sure that God has called us to do something for Him? What is our formula? The Bible is our formula. God gave us Jesus to follow, a guide to look to, and how to measure things out, which can all be found in the Bible. We tend to not look there for answers, because we think we know better or we can work it out based on what others have told us. Just like the math problem, we want to work this formula called life out our way, and not by the formula we have been given. Life is one big formula with millions upon millions of steps. How can we know we are working the formula the way God wants us to? By simply reading the Bible and applying it to our lives. Following Jesus is a simple decision that has to be made daily, but it is not easy. When you do this, you will know if you are plugging in the right steps for the formula, we call life. I will close with a verse from Isaiah, “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it.” (Isaiah 30:21) Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you” Numbers 6:24   

40 Days in the Desert

40 Days in the Desert

A friend asked me to write about my thoughts of Jesus in the desert for forty days. I took this request and ran with it, and quickly discovered there was no way for me to write all of my thoughts in one post. I reread the account of Jesus in the desert in Matthew and Luke and I started to have questions. I began to study this topic in an effort to answer my questions and the more I studied the more I could relate this trying time to my life. Instead of relaying everything I learned from my studies I’m going to share the first five questions that came to my mind, the answers and close with a few thoughts that started me on this exploration.

  Let me set the stage: Jesus was baptized, accepted by God (his father) and “was led by the Holy Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil.” (Matthew 4:1)

Question 1: Why did Jesus go into the desert?

  We already know Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit into the desert but why? Jesus went to be tested or better yet tempted to know what it was like to be tempted by sin. This would allow him to stand before God on our behalf and to take on our sin to save us from eternity without God.

Question 2: What was the experience like?

  I wanted to know what the wilderness was like and how Jesus felt. I will answer the wilderness part in this questions and the feelings in another question. Jesus walked the desert for forty days. The desert or wilderness, one and the same for this topic, is not the sandy ocean you might have pictured. Instead it was a “region of rugged gorges and bad lands. This area was infested with wild animals.” (Pfeiffer, 201) The word infested, should clue you in on the fact that there were a lot of wild animals. I would picture the wilderness with the wild animals being everywhere, almost like there really wasn’t an escape from them. Jesus was alone, no disciples, in the barren, rugged land, with wild animals and his thoughts and prayers. The closest we could come to experiencing this today is to go hiking with nothing, sleep out under the stars and focus on God in our prayers.

Question 3: How did Jesus feel during this time?

 Jesus was baptized and I’m sure going into the wilderness Jesus was at one of the highest levels of his emotions, after all he was now fully accepted and recognized by God as his son. It would be safe to say Jesus was inspired and motivated to start his ministry when he was led to the desert. As the days past he became weary and weak like all humans would with no water, no food and no shelter to speak of. At his weakest, Jesus felt the elements of the wilderness with every step and that is when the devil comes into the story.

Question 4: Why was Jesus tempted?

  I never put much thought into why Jesus was tempted. Hang with me as I dive into this question. Jesus wasn’t just tempted once, but three times while he was in the wilderness. Let’s look at each temptation:

1. “The tempter came to him and said, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” (Matthew 4:3) The devil wanted Jesus to depend on his own powers instead of putting his trust in God’s word.
2. “If you are the Son of God’, he said, ‘throw yourself down.” (Matthew 4:6) The devil follows this with scripture to try to influence Jesus to do what he is asking of him. “Satan attempted to confuse Christ by using scripture out of context.” (Willmington)
3. “All this I will give you’ he said, ‘if you will bow down and worship me.” (Matthew 4:9) The devil tempted Jesus with worldly possessions.

 According to Willmington, “the purpose (of the temptations) was not to see if he would, but to prove that he could not sin” and “to provide the believer with an experienced high priest.” Jesus had to be quick on his feet and know the scriptures by heart to respond to these temptations, especially with a weak body. Jesus was tempted so he could be our Savior. The intro into his ministry is a rough forty days in the desert with rough land, wild animals, and the devil tempting him. The cross keeps me in awe of Jesus, but the desert puts a new perspective on what else he did for us.

Question 5: How did Jesus respond?

  We all know that Jesus responded to each temptation with scripture but the importance of this can easily be overlooked. Once you understand that, “Satan’s supreme object in the temptation ordeal was to cause Christ to act by himself, independent of the Father,” you realize the weight of Jesus using scripture to avoid the temptations. (Willmington) Jesus responded as we all should in a time of temptation/trial he leaned on God’s word to see him through the struggle. Jesus had the power to take care of himself during the forty days, he had the power to destroy the devil right there but he chose to lean on God’s word so that you and I could have life with him for all eternity.

 This post isn’t really my thoughts on Jesus in the desert but I felt it was important to share what I learned from my studies. I am not a Bible scholar and could be way off with the few thoughts I did share but this brief study opened my eyes to the depth of this story and I hope the few items I shared with you does the same. There will be more posts that come from the understanding that I now have of this scripture and my thoughts on it. Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you” Numbers 6:24

1. Pfeiffer, Charles. Baker's Bible Atlast

2. Willmington, Dr. Harold L. Willmington's Guide to the Bible

Abandon

Abandon

“I want to live with abandon, give you all that I am, ever part of my heart, Jesus, I place in your hands.” Newsboys

The song “Live with Abandon” by the Newsboys came out a couple of years ago and my son didn’t understand all the words. On the way home one day, after hearing this song, he asked, “Why would you want to live with a bandit?” It gave us a good laugh and we told him the actual words they were singing. His response, “Oh, that makes more sense.”  As I think back on this funny memory it brings a rather odd question to mind. Would you rather live your life with a bandit or with abandon?

Hang with me as I explain what I mean by this odd question. My son asked a good question, do we willingly live with a thief? Who would want to live with someone they could not trust? Yet, there are many people who do live with a bandit. The only purpose of the devil is to destroy the kingdom of God. Satan wants to steal your life from you, to keep you from living for God. He is so good at being a bandit you don’t even realize he has stolen from you until it is too late. For the non-Christian, life can be full of fun, success and everything could be going great. When your life is this wonderful you tend to not need God, or at least that is what one thinks. Flip the coin, if you are a Christian, you do not get a free pass. The devil with do all he can to bring you down, he can not have your soul, but he can cause your life to be miserable. There are times, we get caught up in the negative things of live, I am  one of those people, and forget that when I start doing this the devil is winning. Why, because I am not working for God when I am focusing on poor pitiful me. The bandit has entered your thoughts, your home, and will still life right from under you. Is this you? Are you caught up in your struggles? This drains you physically and spiritually, and eventually no one wants to be around you. Which turns into a cycle, the thief has entered in and is slowly stealing from you. So, I ask again do you want to live with a bandit or with abandon?

How can you live with abandon? To live with abandon you simply need to give up control of your life, give up your dreams, possibly withdraw from loved ones, and follow Jesus. When you read those words, did you think there is no way? It sounds absolutely horrible, but is just the opposite. Living for Jesus isn’t easy, and it will not get easier. The truth about living with abandon is you can’t assume you will get by with telling God one time I will live for you and you alone, I am abandoning my life, my dreams, for the plans you have for me.  This is a daily commitment. I made the mistake of thinking I said it once, I can continue my life now. In order to truly live life with abandon, you have to die to self daily and give God control daily. Each day is new, and so is God’s mercy but since yesterday is no longer today, I have to renew my commitment to God. I will admit this has not been an easy lesson for me to learn. “Commit your activities to the Lord,and your plans will be achieved.” (Proverbs 16:3) This verse can be taken out of context, remember you have to be in God’s will. I have been caught in this before, it is my plans and things should go the way I think or want them to go, but that isn’t always the case. “A man’s heart plans his way,but the Lord determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9) I am learning that my plans don’t always line up with God’s plans for my life and this throws a big kink into things. Those things being my plans, but also my attitude. I’m stubborn and I want things to go how I have them planned, and when that happens, well, lets just say I’m not always the nicest person to be around. I am working on this, but it is a slow process. Let’s change gears and focus on what I have learned from trying to live with abandon:

1. My life will take a direction (probably many directions) that I didn’t plan.
2. Rejection, although it hurts, try not to take it personally, God is simply redirecting me.
3. My suffering is God buffering me, so that I am polished for what’s to come.
4. What I see as a shut door, often a slammed door in my face, or worse a smashed finger from the door being shut, is God moving me to a door not yet opened, something better.
   
   

When we choose to live life with abandon we have to remember that we need to live life daily and not weekly or monthly or yearly. As Christians we are most effective when we give God our lives daily and listen to what His plans are for our lives. So, I ask yet again, would you rather live life with a bandit or with abandon? Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” (Numbers 6:24)  

“I want my life to count with every breath.” Newsboys
Live with Abandon

Momma

MOMMA

(a letter to you)

Momma,

    As a baby I needed you all the time but as I grew so did my independence. Life threw a curve ball that no one was expecting and thus tossing us into event after event that would leave us not understanding the purpose. My independence seemed to grow stronger as I grew older and so did my own childish view of you. 

   

    I haven't always been kind to you and I hope you'll forgive me. I use to hold so much anger and hurt towards you. As I get older and the world is no longer about me, I see how unfair your life has been. I realized all too quickly how unfair my life was as a child, but now I see the truth you kept from me. Life wasn't fair to you either. 

     I am in awe of your strength, and will power to keep goin' even though life keeps giving you storms to walk through. I'm not sure how you are able to stand, much less take on life the way you have. 

 










 Now that I've been a mom for ten years I can see how much you really love me. How you hurt when I hurt, how your heart broke when my heart broke and yet you never showed it. Instead you showed me you have to hold your head up, keep walkin' and never give up. While I may not completely understand the whys, and we won't always see eye to eye, I'm proud that God gave me you as my mom. My admiration and love grows daily for you.
Love always,
  Kimberlea Sue Whitmire Hardy

HAPPY

MOTHER'S 

                                  DAY!!! 

WALLS

“There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, 

no barriers except those ourselves erect.” Ronald Reagan

Why do we build walls? I am questioning both, the figurative and the literal wall that we build. My first response to this question is to protect ourselves. Since this answer came so quickly I wasn’t completely satisfied. I decided to do a little research on three famous walls and linked them to the figurative walls we build around our hearts. Travel with me as we explore the Great Wall of China, The Berlin Wall, the wall of Jericho, and what they have in common with the walls we build around our hearts.

How many walls do you or have you had built around your heart? If you are like me,  you have or had many walls protecting your heart. It is your defense to keep you from getting hurt. If this is you, you built your walls like the Chinese did when they constructed The Great Wall of China. There are many walls that make up The Great Wall of China and much like the walls around our hearts it took years to build, 2,ooo to be exact. While building the walls many laborers died and were buried in the wall. Many times we are so consumed with building our walls that we push our feelings down so deep they become buried. Overtime, we become numb to these feelings and more walls go up to help us suppress them.

Eventually, those walls that were built to protect us from getting hurt prevents any type of emotion from entering or leaving our hearts. Nothing enters in and nothing goes out, much like the Berlin wall. The wall separated the communist from the capitalist or East Germany from West Germany. The citizens of East Germany were fleeing to the West to escape the communist rule. To prevent the citizens from fleeing they built the Berlin wall, also known as the Iron Curtain. The Germans could no longer travel from East to West and vice versa. The issue at hand wasn’t dealt with and caused more turmoil amongst the Germans. The walls around our hearts keep us from dealing with the issue that caused the hurt and can eventually cause more harm. The thicker the walls and the longer they stand the harder it is to remember why they were built in the first place. After standing for thirty years the Berlin wall was knocked down, but not before President Ronald Reagan expressed his feelings about it. “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”

I pray God will put someone in your path that will say, “tear down this wall!” Hopefully, it won’t take thirty years to knock down. It’s possible that it could take seven days. I know what you’re thinking, there is no way the walls that I built could be knocked down that quickly, nor do I want them to be knocked down. I know that is how I felt, and I’m pretty sure the people of Jericho felt the same way. After all, the retaining wall was 12-15 ft. high and on top of it was a 6 ft. thick, 20-26 ft. high mudbrick wall. At the highest point, the wall around Jericho stood 46 ft. above ground level. The citizens of Jericho built this enormous wall knowing nothing and no one could knock it down. It’s the same with the walls we build around our hearts, they are built with the intentions of them never being knocked down. The truth is, if those walls aren’t knocked down you could be missing out on the best life God has to offer you.

There is no way the Israelites could’ve entered The Promise Land through Jericho without a miracle from God. Maybe you feel the same way, I know I did, the only way the walls around your heart are going to fall is by a miracle from God. It may hurt and be difficult to allow those walls to fall but think about what you could be missing on the other side. It was, “by faith the walls of Jericho fell down after being encircled by the Israelites for seven days.” (Hebrews 11:30) It is by faith that God can knock down your walls. You have to trust Him and know He will see you through. Will you be “brave and courageous” and let God knock down your wall so you can reach your promised land? Take it one day at a time and leave the rest up to God. I pray you will start marching, trusting and keeping the faith that God will knock down all walls keeping you from the best God has planned for you.  Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you” Numbers 6:24