Reflecting on 2015

My word for 2015 was trust. At the beginning of last year when God put that word on my heart I had no idea what my journey would be or just how much I would need to remember that little five letter word. As I sit here reflecting on 2015 tears come to my eyes, partially for the joy and partially for the pain. Overall, 2015 was a year for many firsts and hopefully not lasts, not yet anyway. I had my highs and lows just like everyone else, but unfortunately my highs are directly tied to my lows. I’m finally at a point that I can look at them as two separate things, but it hasn’t been easy getting there. 2015 started out with a bang, a lot of hope and excitement and that’s where I’ll start my list with you:

January: I was writing my first children’s book

               Nick and The North End were preparing for a CD release party

February: CD and Children’s book released

March: Family first-went to Fort Worth Zoo over spring break

Late May: No longer writing children’s books

June: Alex: first time to go to church camp and first time to go to a week long camp in

          Dallas/Ft. Worth

         Bekah: first time to go to UT Tyler softball camp

July: Family road trip across Texas (first time)

August: I was hired to teach at New Summerfield (loving it, in case you were wondering)

September: Nick is no longer the drummer for The North End

November: David and Vals’ 40th Wedding Anniversary

                  Alex gets Sapphire (his dog)

December: God has started preparing us for what lies ahead for 2016.

I pick up where the lists stops, right now, December 31st sitting here trying my best to focus on the good and not the bad (sad) of 2015. God knows I struggled with my little five letter word -trust- ended up not being easy and certainly not little. I learned to trust God when my path no longer made sense and more importantly I learned to trust him and to not try to make sense out of everything that was happening. Sometimes it’s best to just trust that God knows and he knew what was going to happen and walk away, no matter how deep you are hurt. I’ve done some serious soul searching during my time off from work. Just in the last couple of hours I asked Nick what is one thing I can work on this next year to be a better person, mom and wife. I challenge you to ask someone who you love and can count on to be honest with you the same question. It might hurt to hear the truth, and I dare say this, only ask if you’re willing to truly work on whatever it is they say. Over the past week I have asked God to reveal to me what my word will be for 2016, have you? I have an idea what my word is, but I will not share it with you until I am certain of it. As we turn the lights out on 2015 and shine the light on 2016 remember whatever lies ahead that God is there, you can trust him and he has great plans for you.

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord,plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Security Blanket

Security Blanket

This Christmas one of the things that the media focused on was “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, but not the whole movie. The focus was on Linus dropping his blanket when he told the true meaning of Christmas. I, along with my family, had not noticed that Linus drops his blanket and the exact moment he quotes this scripture, “And the angel said unto them, ‘fear not ...” (Luke 2:10 KJV) This one moment made me think about my security blanket. As you read this post I ask you to consider what is your security blanket.

We all have a security blanket, it may not be a physical one like Linus carries, but we have one maybe more. I know, it sounds like I’ve jumped off the deep end, but hang with me for a few minutes. As kids we all had something that we felt kept us safe, it could have been a blanket, or a toy, or maybe just being at home with your family. My security blanket even into high school was my jacket. My jacket kept me warm when I was cold, which for me was majority of the year, it also hid my figure. No one could really see what I looked like when I wore my jacket and that allowed me to be me and not worry what others thought of me. What was your security blanket as a kid?

We outgrow those blankets or in my case jacket but they are replaced with other “blankets”. What is your security blanket as an adult? What are you holding onto so tightly that you fear letting it go? That fear, my friend, is your security blanket. The two don’t seem to relate, but just like a child with a blanket, we hold tightly to the things we are afraid of losing. I will ask it this way, what are you afraid of losing? Is it your family, friends, financial security, house, jobs, cars, reputation? The things I just listed are all blessings from God, so we can trust him to do what’s best for us. By holding on to these things we are not trusting God, but when we let go of our blankets we let go of our fear and put our trust back in God.

We need to acknowledge what it is we are holding onto so tightly and let it go. We need to hand our blankets over to God. I’m sure he has a huge linen closet for all of our blankets. Even if you have to give God your blanket every morning, or several times a day, he will gladly hold it for you. God will even carry it for you and eventually, after giving God your blanket over and over you will stop taking it back from God and God can put it in his linen closet to stay. The Bible says, “do not be afraid.”, 365 times once for every day of the year, and I'm sure you have heard that before, so every morning shaking hands and all give God that fear. God knows we all have security blankets, and we are scared to let go of them for fear of what might happen. When we let go of our blankets, we let go of our fear and we will learn that we can truly trust God.

I’m still learning to let go of my security blankets, yes that is plural. We may outgrow our security blankets as kids, but we will never outgrow our need for the one true security blanket-GOD.  Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

In case you missed it, here is the clip of Linus telling the Christmas story. Watch closely to see him drop his blanket.https://youtu.be/LxaG0ZrwJ5k

Humble Pie

 The mile high, golden brown fluffy sweetness on top of the warm, gooey, chocolate piece of heaven, I mean pie...mouth watering yet? Oops, I was describing the wrong pie, have you ever tasted humble pie?

    I have, but I didn’t realize it until this past Sunday. Nick and I were on the way home from grocery shopping when I asked him, “what lesson are we supposed to learn from all of this?” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “ I don’t know”. To that, I replied with a heart felt, “I’ve been praying for God to show me what I’m suppose to learn.” I was met with silence and a change of subject. :) It wasn’t until later that day that my answer, my lesson came flooding in and slapped me in my face.

    As the memories of the major events over the past five months flashed through my mind like an old movie reel, the lesson began to sink in and take hold of me. The lesson wasn’t what I should or should not have done, but where or should I say who I was focused on. My lesson begins before 5 months ago, it starts with me wanting to go on a mission trip to Honduras this past summer. I wanted to go for all the right reasons, but there was one, yes only one, wrong reason thrown in with all the right reasons and that one reason hit me hard in the stomach. I now want to stop writing this, but I will share as I am being led to do. I eagerly signed up to go on the mission trip and as I prayed I felt God telling me not to go. I fought this for a few weeks then finally, slightly embarrassed, backed out. I was determined to make this trip work financially it would’ve been hard and I admitted that to a few people, but deep down I knew I just wasn’t supposed to go. As it turns out, I had some unexpected medical problems which led to expensive bills and in turn confirmed my decision to not go on the mission trip. Now, the first piece of humble pie is served, I selfishly wanted to go to spend time with a friend that I don’t get to spend a lot of time with, which isn’t bad, but shouldn’t be in the heart of one going to serve and show others the love of God. Sweat tea anyone? How about a tall glass of milk? I need to rinse my mouth out before I take another bite.

    Fast forward to May/June when the children’s series fell through. Yes, it has been that long and yes I wanted to curl up in the fetal position, pull the covers over my head and shut out the world. I didn’t, but I sure wanted to and now here comes the next piece of pie~ the only person I cared about was me and my feelings. I could only think of how others would now view me, because of this let down, this failure even though it was out of my hands. I didn’t think how the others felt that were involved in the book. Anyone starting to put the pieces of this lesson together? Excuse me a second while I finish chewing, this pie isn’t the best I’ve tasted.

    The final piece of pie was the day Nick told me he was no longer in the band. I wasn’t worried about the other members and how they felt, nope I was worried about Nick and of course me. Now, the last pieces doesn’t seem too bad, but when you put all this together….Oh, wait there is one more piece to be eaten, my stomach is hurting. A close friend of mine moved this summer without saying a word and I was crushed. I was mad, hurt, angry, sad and the only thing I thought about was my feelings. I couldn’t think of or hear this person’s name without getting angry and wanting to cry. Suddenly, I feel like a pretty selfish person and a real jerk. Now that I’m finished eating humble pie, sharing a part of me that I would much rather you not know about, but feel I must share, let me tell you where I’m at now.

    I had to pray myself through each event, through each emotion that crashed into me until finally I found myself on my knees at Jesus’ feet realizing I lost sight of Him. Much like Peter when he was walking on water I became overwhelmed and looked away. When I took my eyes off of Jesus I started to sink, but here I sit with Jesus’ firm grip on my shaky hands. We can’t trust others or even ourselves, we must always keep our eyes on Jesus. There is nothing like realizing the error of my ways, but I'm so glad that Jesus meets me right where I’m at. Here’s to another lesson learned in the humility department, until next time...stay focused on what matters JESUS.  “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Back at the drawing board

Back at the drawing board…

The past year has been a roller coaster for me and my family, we’ve had some highs and some lows and many of you shared in those highs. As most of you know I coauthored a children's book and Nick joined a christian band. The build up for both things was great, we both were sure we were on the right path. The one we all hope to be on, the golden brick road with lots of great things happening. We were there, then came the down time, when not much was going on and the doubts started trickling in. Then out of nowhere events came and projects were planned and our hopes were lifted, only for them to be dashed.

Many of you know Nick is no longer in the band but what many of you don’t know is I am no longer working on the children's series. I kept this from you, because I was hurt and didn’t want to face what others would think of me. So, without much notice both of those highs we were on became lows, our ups were flipped and became downs. As we sit and reflect, we know we did what we were supposed to do for that season in our lives. We are both back at the drawing board, sitting at Jesus’ feet waiting for guidance and direction. I am writing tonight to simply say forgive me for not writing more frequently, but sometimes it takes a while to dust off when you get knocked down. The dust is beginning to settle, the emotions are slowly going back in check and I’m feeling the urge to write again.

I am back teaching so I make no promises on how often I will write but there will be more posts soon.  The one thing I hope you get from this is no matter how hard the blow, how hard the fall, take the time to recover, dust off but always...always get back up and ALWAYS TRUST IN GOD. “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Here I sit...

Here I sit, wondering what everyone thinks about me going back to teaching. It's been about a year since I was convicted to leave teaching to start writing. I wrote, and wrote some more, and will still write, but things didn't go the way I thought. Maybe I gave up too soon, maybe I needed the year off from teaching because of the health issues I had, maybe I jumped the gun to leave teaching too soon.

So here I sit, listening to the voice in my head. The doubt, the shame, the what ifs...then I stop because a louder voice says: You are loved. You are mine. I'm not through with you yet. I smile, and peace settles over me.

This life isn't easy. Things happen and well, it's not easy to live on one income.... a teacher's income at that. It doesn't really matter what others think, but it does matter what God thinks. I'm not sure how He feels about me going back to teaching, but I can tell  you I'm praying more than I was. I'm making a point to spend time with my family, which seems backwards. I am making every moment count as to when I was home, I wasn't, not really.

I feel like I have a purpose again, and look forward to how God uses this journey to mold me into who He created me to be. I'm not perfect, don't want to be, although I catch myself trying to be. The best feeling in the world, is knowing that God loves me and there is no shame or condemnation in Him.

Here I sit, more determined to be a better me, so that I can be someone's greatness. The one who lifts others up, who goes the extra mile, who really sees the person talking to me, the smile on a sad day. I was at a crossroads this summer, I picked one and I will walk down it with my head held high, knowing that with God all things are possible.

Divine Appointment

Divine Appointment

Today’s church service was a divine appointment for me. It was set up without me knowing about it, by the one who knows my heart and what is really going on inside. Today was my day to work in one of our children’s church services, but plans changed. At first I was discouraged, because I wasn’t dressed in “church” clothes. I wear jeans and a t-shirt with our church logo on it when I work in the children’s department so I don’t have to worry about messing up my good clothes. I share that just to show I wasn’t too excited about going to “big” church but I was glad that I would get to hear the guest speaker this morning.

God started knocking on the walls of my heart this morning in Sunday school when our children’s director spoke to our class about the mission trip she went on. I was moved by what she had to say and when she mentioned the word fear it jumped out at me. FEAR, something Christians shouldn’t have, if they have faith...right. Well, I will be the first to say I have fear but I also have faith. I wasn’t shocked by her fear, I was rattled that the word FEAR spoke so deeply to me. As I mentioned, I wasn’t suppose to be in “big” church so I didn’t sit in my normal spot,(You know our names are on the pews...lol) I was moved by the music and felt God’s presence. As the guest speaker started talking tears started forming. OH, how I do not like to cry, especially not in front of people, so I did my best to keep the tears from falling. I didn’t win that battle, nope as the tears rolled down my cheeks I realized how much I had been holding in, how I had been living in fear for several months.

I have shared about some of my fears before, but this time God was letting me know what he thought about those fears. I wasn’t handing them over to him. Why? Because I was afraid of what he thought of me, just like I’m afraid of what others will think of me by the end of this post. The truth is you can’t say anything about me that I haven’t already allowed myself to think and trust me, they aren’t words that God would use to describe me. My fear was letting others know that I’m going back to teaching. I have tried to justify it to myself so I could tell myself I wasn’t a hypocrite, or turned from God or trying to take things into my own hands. See, I’ve already considered what others would say or think once I told them and there is more where that came from. I beat myself up and would rather hide in my fear of what others will say or think instead of walking boldly in God’s truth and knowing that I have peace in this decision.

I am arguing with myself as I am typing to try to keep from continuing to justify why I went back to teaching. The truth is God opened the door for me and I have peace about it. This is what is best for my family and no matter how much I feel like I am a disappointment, a failure, and a hypocrite for not sticking with staying at home and writing I have peace about going back to teaching. I enjoy kids and teaching and watching them have “lightbulb” moments and truthfully I can keep writing. So, enough trying to explain myself and back to my divine appointment. I walked out of church with the reminder that God is bigger, much bigger than my fear of what others will think or say about me. I needed a hug after that service, and because I hadn’t shared with anyone in that building my fear I walked out wishing I would have trusted God enough to share what was going on in my life and my fear with a friend or two. Living in fear caused me to back away from others and not share my burdens. I pray that you will not allow fear to rule over you, but instead turn it over to God, because as I learned this morning, fear is rooted in pride. I’m so thankful for my divine appointment this morning and thankful for my God who knows my heart, and loves me all the same. I'm doing the best I can, as I know you are too. Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” Numbers 6:24

It's Simple but It's Not Easy

It’s Simple but It’s Not Easy

Have you heard the phrase, “it’s so simple it’s hard” or it’s simple you are just making it difficult”? I have, I heard these two phrases a lot when I was in school. My teachers, especially my math teachers, would tell me I was overthinking the problem. I simply needed to work the formulas out. Formulas are simple, you just plug in the numbers and don’t worry about the why. That did not mean that working the formulas out was easy. To be good at working out the formulas you need to know the steps and what order to do the steps. (PEMDAS or FOIL) The older I get the more I realize following Jesus is simple, but it’s not easy.

      Following Jesus is more like a math problem than I would like to admit to and maybe that’s why I’m not too good at it. WHAT??? I know, what a weird comparison. To follow Jesus we first have to accept that we are sinners, accept that we need a savior, accept that Jesus is our savior, and accept that he will guide us. So, where’s the formula and what’s the problem? How about we just look at the formula for a minute.  

A+B+C+D=FOLLOWER of Jesus

(This is not an exact step to become a Christian)

A = Accept we are sinners

B = Accept we need a savior

C = Accept Jesus is our savior

D = Accept Jesus will guide us

Just like the math problem, we simply have to plug in the steps and once we do we become a follower of Jesus. The problem isn’t the formula, it’s the person working the formula out. We try to do things our way, because it make sense or we do it this other way because that’s how we were taught. We want to add our spin to the formula and we expect it to work out just like it would if we followed the steps in the formula. Let’s look at an Old Testament man who was given a formula, it was simple, but it was not easy.

“So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out.” (Genesis 6:14) God told Noah to build an ark, not only did he tell him to build it, he gave him the exact measurements for the ark. God, in a way gave Noah a formula. It was simple to follow, but that did not mean it would be easy to build. Noah had to work on this ark, when others doubted him. He had to know without a shadow of a doubt that God told him to build this ark, and he couldn’t worry about what others thought of him. I’m sure Noah struggled with the corruption of others, those who did not believe in God, and those that did not believe God spoke to Noah. Not only was his job one of strenuous, but he had to deal with people thinking he was a wackadoo. His task was before him, but would he allow what others thought of him keep him from completing the job? Would he follow the formula even if it didn’t seem to make sense to him? As a matter of fact, he did. “Noah did everything just as God commanded him.” (Genesis 6:22)

God gave Noah a formula, the measurements to build the ark, God has given us a formula, and measurements to build our faith in Him. Once we become a follower of Jesus, we need something to guide us. How do we know we are doing the right things? How can we know for sure that God has called us to do something for Him? What is our formula? The Bible is our formula. God gave us Jesus to follow, a guide to look to, and how to measure things out, which can all be found in the Bible. We tend to not look there for answers, because we think we know better or we can work it out based on what others have told us. Just like the math problem, we want to work this formula called life out our way, and not by the formula we have been given. Life is one big formula with millions upon millions of steps. How can we know we are working the formula the way God wants us to? By simply reading the Bible and applying it to our lives. Following Jesus is a simple decision that has to be made daily, but it is not easy. When you do this, you will know if you are plugging in the right steps for the formula, we call life. I will close with a verse from Isaiah, “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it.” (Isaiah 30:21) Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you” Numbers 6:24