Looking Back

For the past month I have been trying my best to count my blessings. At times it comes easily to see the blessings before me, but there are times that I am overcome by the sorrow of losing my brother and can't seem to find the light. Finally, in the last week, I have been able to look back over the past year and was finally able to recall my blessings. This past year was filled with ups and downs. I'm going to give you a run down of my year. 

The year started off with Nick and I making a decision to not put our house on the market after praying for a month because we really wanted out of the house. Then out of the blue a house that Nick wanted to live in since he was little went on the market. We knew the realtor so I just asked if we could look at the house with no real intention of buying the house. We loved the house but didn't think we could afford it. By February we were in the process of buying the house and we moved in over spring break in March. The whole house buying experience was all God. The first three months of last year was nothing but blessings. The blessings continued to pour out and life was wonderful. My daughter tried out and made the majorette line at her school and my son graduated from 8th grade. My momma heart was full and I was ready to take on new challenges. 

I enjoyed the summer with my family and adjusting to living in our new home. Then just as I was starting up my new coaching position my brother died. I seemed to fall into a dark, endless pit. I had to keep going and I just didn't want to. My birthday came a month later and I really don't remember much of it between coaching and my grieving, but what I can tell you is God allowed me to see another year. My volleyball team kept me going. They cried with me, laughed with me, and worked hard to be a true team. They were a blessing to me. 

The last four months of the year was my valley. I am not sure how I made it through to this point. I honestly don't remember much other than feeling sad with moments of hope sprinkled throughout that time. I had some help from friends and family, but also being aware of my mental health allowed me to cling to the hope that I have in the Lord. 

2019 was a year that started with a high and ended with a low. As I am starting to come out of the pit and see the light I am determined to move forward in 2020. I can't wait to see what this year holds, as I know there will be more ups and downs, as that is life, but I have several goals/dreams to go after and plan to accomplish in the new year. Blessings to you and your family! Here's to the end of a chapter, a year, a decade, and to the start of a new chapter, a year and decade. Dream big! Hold tight to God and His promises, say I love you those you cherish, and remember to live with no regrets. 

JMW

Joel Mark Whitmire

   You were named after our dad, Mark, and his dad, our grandpa, Joel. 
   You were special in so many ways, yet you never saw that and succumbed to the thoughts in your head allowing a powerful addiction to overtake you.
   Your already weak body, due to diabetes, could only handle so much and I'm afraid by the time you took back the power your body was too tarnished to deal with the ailments of having an auto immune disorder. 
   My heart hurts daily because you're gone, but I will no longer let the pain rule me. I have a new drive now, a new focus, and a new story to tell. A reason to share my hurt and praying it helps others.
   We grew up under the same roof, with almost the same rules, and we both wanted to escape.  You were introduced to something that would help numb the hurt and it took you prisoner, while I took my escape by leaving home, going to college, getting married, and starting a family. We both were numbing the hurt but in different ways. I never understood why you went that route and I never will, but your life is a story to be told. You had so much potential, you were smart..gifted and talented. I remember as a kindergartner you learned multiplication facts faster than me just by listening to me trying to memorize them. Many more ups and downs came and by the time we were in high school I was so frustrated with how easily you learned new information and how much I struggled, but yet I was still able to make good grades. I always had to work harder than you in everything. You, my brother, were both athletic, smart and charming with the biggest heart that you didn't want anyone to know about. Like me, you were afraid to show how much you cared. 
     As you celebrate your first Christmas in heaven, I'm reflecting on the Christmases we had as children and our last Christmas together which I won't ever forget. You looked good, but you had suffered another stroke and wasn't able to move or talk the way you wanted and it frustrated you. Drugs, I despise you for what you did to my brother. I despise you for ruining his life and leaving mine with a void. Joel Mark Whitmire, your life is a story worth telling and sharing and prayerfully will lead others to God and keep them from numbing the hurt the way you did.  Merry Christmas in Heaven, Bubba. I love you!