Keeping Count

Do you know someone who keeps track of everything you do or do not do for them? How about someone who insists on repaying you every time you do something for them? That person is probably reserved with expressing how they feel about you, most of the time like and love are on the opposite ends of the spectrum for these people. Don’t get me started on the dislike and hate spectrum, yes for these people those four emotions are not on the same scale. This same person probably seeks approval constantly. Has anyone crossed your mind yet? Can I tell you a secret? I was that person, constantly seeking approval from family, friends, and even acquaintances, always wanting to pay someone back for doing something for me, and keeping count of what others did or did not do for me. I still struggle with approval from others, but I no longer keep count or try to always pay someone back. God opened my eyes to these things, hopefully I can shine the light on this type of thinking so you can better understand someone who struggles with this or help yourself.

    The best way to explain this type of thinking is from my own perspective. I’m not saying this is why everyone thinks this way, but it’s my truth of this type of thinking. I did not have a complete understanding of who God was/is. When your view of God is off, your view of life is off. I believed God was distant and kept count of every single thing I did, that means right and wrong. I thought he punished me for doing wrong and rewarded me for doing right. I thought I had to work to earn his love and keep his love. My God couldn’t love me, how could he love me when he took my daddy from me? Maybe if I was a good girl I could earn his love and he wouldn’t take anything or anyone else from me. So, I transferred my view/belief of God to the people around me. I spent all of my teenage years keeping count of the good things I’d done for others and the good and bad things they did for/to me. This continued until I started attending church with my husband and learning who God really was. Even after I went to church on a regular basis I would keep count of what others did or didn’t do. My family was my main target, then friends started to be added to the list and let me tell you this is no way to live. I was always hurting, because people always let me down. I have learned that people will always let you down, especially when you look to them to build you up. Two more lessons on God have helped me with this thinking, and I hope you can grasp it, because living a life where you keep count is absolutely miserable.

    First lesson is this, God loves you no matter what you’ve done. There is nothing you can do that will ever change that. His love can not be bought, you can not earn his love, it will not change. Close your eyes, picture the person you love with all your heart, the person you would die for. That love you have for that person is how God loves you but multiply it by infinity. Once you understand how much you are loved, you no longer look to others for approval (well not as much), you no longer keep count of what others do to you because you have a new love for them, you no longer do good deeds so God will love you. Let this thought go, take hold of the truth that God loves you just the way you are, and hold on to that.

    Second lesson, God’s grace is new daily. If God forgives me daily (honestly throughout the day), then shouldn’t I extend that grace to the people I care about. God does not expect me to be perfect, I’m so thankful for that, so why should I expect other humans to be perfect? They can’t and will never be perfect, and I’m just setting myself up for heartache if I do expect perfection. The minute I realized God was not punishing me for my imperfections, I felt better. As I have slowly let go of trying to be perfect life has become more enjoyable...I’m sure I’m much easier to be around. (Sorry Nick...thanks for putting up with me!)

    My God loves me and he loves you all the same. Once I realized this, I started being able to accept others for who they are and I love others more easily than before. It’s not easy, but I no longer keep count and decide what scale I will use to measure people by. The only use for keeping count and using my scale was to cause me more hurt. My misunderstanding of God, led to my misunderstanding of relationships. Stop keeping count, forgive, let go and move on. Give people a chance, stop withdrawing because of the fear of them hurting you and don’t feel obligated to pay others back every time they do something nice for you. It takes away from their joy. Don’t live your life seeking approval from others, there is only one that can give you the approval, acceptance and love you’re looking for, that is God. I still struggle at times with each lesson I just shared with you, but a heavy burden was lifted once I accepted God’s love and grace. Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)

Vicious Cycle

Have you ever felt God calling you out of your comfort zone? I have and although I’m usually hesitant at first I follow what God is calling me to do. My recent experience is within this school year and is continuing today, but I’ve messed up with part of it. I feel like I should share a lesson I’ve learned thus far. To keep other people’s lives private I’m not going to share the “full” version of my lesson.

    God put a particular person on my heart and made it to where I crossed paths with this person daily, sometimes several times a day. I began to pray and things were good, but almost as quickly as this daily encounter began things soured. I would pray and pray and it didn’t seem to help. I didn’t and still do not understand why this person was put on my heart. As I struggled and wondered what I did wrong my husband got to hear EVERY single detail, emotion, and thought I had. Some days were good and I would think God heard me then BOOM several bad days in a row. I was in a vicious cycle, one that had me spinning in circles that left me emotionally drained, physically tired and spiritually unsure. About a week ago, God used my husband to break my will power. I had been fighting back tears for a while, not the little cry, but the big, fat tears that lead to the ugly cry. (Ladies, you know what I mean.) Nick didn’t use harsh words, he sat as we ate breakfast patiently listening to me spin the situation and my thoughts, then gave his opinion and advice. Bring on the tears….I was upset with what he said but in all honesty I was more upset with what he made me realize.

    In between sobs the truth that set me free from the vicious cycle rose from the depths of my heart. I, I’m mad at God I sputtered and in the silence my hurt dissolved into peace as the rest of that truth rushed to be set free...I continued: “I’m mad at God because I stepped out of my comfort zone and did what He asked me to do, and I got hurt...because things didn’t go how I thought they would.” As the tears poured down my face, my heart and soul were being cleaned.As I accepted that statement as the true problem to this unrelenting cycle I was in, I asked God to forgive me. Before I could finish asking for forgiveness I felt His peace wash over me.

    Now that I’ve had time to reflect on the whole situation it falls back to me trying to understand the why and force things to go the way I wanted them to go, not completely trusting God and his purpose for putting this person on my heart. My devotional says it best:

“It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire. Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem, to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!” -Jesus Calling,Sarah Young

    My friends, I did this exact thing. I couldn’t figure out the why so I took control which led to the vicious cycle and the only way it stopped was when I put my focus back on the one that matters-Jesus. I’m at peace now, and I know I can trust the one who leads me by still waters. Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)