Where have you been?

 

    I've had several people tell me that I need to write again. That they miss reading my blog posts and while I felt encouraged I wasn't ready to write. I wasn't in a place to open up, but today I am willing to do just that. So, where have I been?

    I can sit here and tell you that I've been busy, and I wouldn't be lying. My schedule has been crazy with going back to coaching, my husband being a band director, and my daughter being in multiple extracurricular activities at her school; I've had very little time to do anything else. That is a wonderful excuse, but it's an excuse. If you've read any of my posts before this one, you know that I'll be honest and vulnerable, so here's the truth...

    I withdrew. I shutdown. I closed myself off. I was hurting. I turned away. I went off the path. I walked the wide path. I was tired. I fell. I sunk into a pit. I allowed the darkness to swallow me. I fought. I gave up. I tried to stand. I got knocked back down. I tried again. I got knocked down. I sat. I searched. I tried to get up. I was stuck. I couldn't move forward. 

     Every time the darkness engulfs me it seems harder to find the faintest light of hope, but this time the pull of giving in has been much stronger. It's scary how easy it would be to just give up and allow myself to continue to sink into the oblivion of darkness, to allow myself to self destruct and continue down the road of self-hatred, embarrassment, and shame. Today's date caught my attention, I am just under six months from turning 40. I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I am officially obese and weigh more than I have ever weighed, yes; that's including my pregnancies, and I can't seem to lose it; which infuriates me. I can't look in the mirror without being embarrassed or feel ashamed even though part of my weight gain couldn't be helped. My weight shouldn't be my hang up, but more importantly it's my health. I'm not healthy and it scares me. I don't want to die young like my dad and my brother. I want to be holistically healthy and that includes being acutely aware of my weight. It's all one big circle, and getting my gut health in check, will allow me to become holistically healthy and help get me out of this vicious cycle.

    So, what keeps me going? My family, my husband, and my kids. I can't give up because they need me, but also because I want my kids to see no matter how hard life can be  you have to keep going. Each day is going to be different. Some days you need to be alone. Some days you need to be with your loved ones. Some days you need to get out. Some days you need to be with a friend who will listen to you or make you laugh or give you advice. Some days you just get up and do what has to be done. Eventually the hard days become less hard and you start having more good days than bad. You look up and you're out of the storm, out of the pit, and life is good again. 

    Finally, a little glimpse of hope. God spoke ever so quietly to me. I'm not completely out of the dark, nor am I completely sure how long I will stand on these wobbly legs before getting knocked down again, but there is one thing I know. I am not going to sit in the pit anymore. I WILL NOT GIVE UP! The Devil can try to keep me down, and it may take longer for me to stand, but I will stand up...I WILL RISE! "Do not rejoice over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will stand up; though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." Micah 7:8 

    Still I Rise has been my motto for almost a year now. I am not one to give up easily or quit. It may take me a while to get up, especially, when I keep getting hit with tough situations or changes but I do not and will not wave the white flag of surrender. I have allowed myself to sit and wallow too long, and I'm angry with myself for allowing it. I am not where I want to be mentally, physically, or spiritually, but I have learned a lot about myself during this dark time. Things that I didn't realize before or maybe I knew but didn't want to accept. The truth is, even when I am down and out, God is still working in me and for me. He never walked away from me even though I flat out told Him that I wasn't sure he was for me. When I stopped praying daily; He didn't walk away from me. He waited for me to come back to him. I am back talking to him and as I open up to him, he is showing me that He loves me and is for me.

    There you have it....that's where I've been for over a year. Not writing. Not growing. Not walking faithfully. Just merely surviving. Just sitting. Just letting life happen. I have started writing again. I have started taking steps to better myself again. I will continue to move forward with my life knowing that perfection is not the goal, but progress is what I should focus on. Thankfully, I'm not who I was 10 years ago, and I know that when I look at this point I will see God's hand just as I do now when looking back to who I was 10 years ago. "I lift my eyes to the mountains-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

    Where have you been? How is life treating you? I'll write again soon. Here's a parting verse and some encouragement for you today: "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being." Ephesians 3:16 Remember this: YOU ARE CHOSEN! YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE CALLED! YOU ARE EQUIPPED! 

   

What's my word?

This past year was one that I hope I don’t soon forget because I struggled in every area of life. I struggled mentally. I struggled physically. I struggled spiritually. I struggled financially.  I struggled with making decisions, although many people would say that is nothing new. I struggled with being bored. I struggled with not being able to help others. I struggled with not being able to be alone. I struggled with not being around my friends and coworkers and students. 2020 was a real struggle, so maybe my word should’ve been struggle instead of focus. Haha Many people would argue that I need to forget all that and move forward and I strongly disagree. I don’t need to forget about it because there is a lesson to learn from each area that I struggled in, but I also know that I don’t need to dwell on it.

       As the year ended and I began to ask God for a word for 2021 I wasn’t sure what the word would be and I wasn’t really seeking with all my heart. I prayed off and on about it and one day I felt led to read Habakuk, the whole book; which is only three chapters. When I set out to read in my study Bible I usually read the background information first and there on the very first page in the first paragraph or two was my word. It jumped off the page, slapped me in the face, and calmly returned to the sentence it belonged to. I read Habakuk searching for more insight, for my word to jump off the page again but this time with meaning as I wasn’t sure what it meant for me or why that would be my word so I prayed about it. I didn’t want to accept it because it means I would have to be willing to change and I’m not the best with change.

Here is the part of the introduction to Habakkuk that grabbed my attention:“His name is thought to derive from the Hebrew word chabaq, “to embrace”, but its form appears non-Hebraic."

There it is, my word for 2021 sitting so nicely between quotations, mimicking me, taunting me, telling me to wake up and change my perspective on life, more specifically my life. EMBRACE. If you know me, then you know I’m a word nerd and decided to look up what embrace means, yes I know what it means, but in order to accept this as my word I need to know exactly what embrace means to give myself some guidelines. As I looked up the meaning, I asked God what am I supposed to embrace. Family? Friends? Folks on the street? God simply said, “yes”. So, here is what I found. According to dictionary.com, embrace means to clasp in the arms, to encircle, enclose, to take up especially readily or gladly to embrace a cause.

I’m not much on embracing in the sense of the definition above, so I dug a little deeper because I really didn’t feel satisfied with what I found. The results I found by using Google were more satisfying, and I could see where God was leading me. 

Embrace Life: diving into a world that acquires meaning only through active, conscious awareness and participation.

Embrace Yourself: let go of harsh self-recrimination and happily accept your own identity and uniqueness.

Ah, now I found something worth squirming over. This past year, I did as many of you did, at least I think you did, I just went through the motions. There was much thought processing going on, especially once we were shut down and quarantined to our homes. There wasn’t a reason to do more than just get through the day. So, it’s time to embrace life again. I need to embrace life more than I did in 2020 but even more than I did before that too. God wants me to be active, conscious, aware, and participating in life at my fullest potential. I need to stop just getting through and start living. Three quotes stood out to me as I continued my search for embracing life and they are listed below.

1. “Our task must be to free ourselves... by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and it's beauty.” ― Albert Einstein

2. “Never apologize for being alive, find your purpose and embrace life.” ― Gift Gugu Mona

3. “Some moments are happy. Some moments are sad. Live each moment. Embrace life!” ― Avijeet Das

The last quote hit me where it hurt, because I wasn’t embracing life. I had some happy moments, but I let the sad moments cast a dark shadow on the happy moments. I didn’t embrace each one as they came, but held tightly to the dark moments in my life. I’m letting go of those moments not because I’m forgetting them, but because I’m ready to move forward and to make room to embrace what lies ahead.

 I also need to work on embracing myself and accepting my uniqueness and not see it as some flaw. I am different. I am weird. I am me. I am a child of God. I am the daughter of the one true king. I care too much. I keep to myself. I have issues. I like working out.  Some of you may read this and agree or disagree, but none of that is my business. I need to get back to embracing who God created me to be and work on bettering myself.

As I work on embracing life and myself I need to remember to put on the full armor of God and rest in knowing that HE’S GOT THIS. I found exactly what I need to do in order to embrace life in 1 Peter 3:10-12 MSG. I’ll share it with you because in my opinion this is exactly what we all need to do. 

“Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here’s what to do:

 Say nothing evil or harmful; Snub evil and cultivate good; Run after peace for all you’re worth."

There it is folks, four actions to embrace life. It was sitting in the Bible the whole time, all I needed to do was read it. May we all embrace life this year and may we remember this quote from Steve Maraboli, “The strength of a man isn't seen in the power of his arms. It's seen in the love with which he EMBRACES you.”

Darkness

2020 has seemed to be the year of darkness for many. There seems to be a loss of hope and with that loss there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel as we see the numbers of this virus surge for a second time this year causing many to fall further into depression, lose jobs, and wonder if this is the beginning of the end. While this world seems to be spinning out of control and chaos seems to reign we can look to the Bible to find our hope, to be the light, and reflect on another time many years ago when the world was dark and there seemed to be no hope.

Travel back with me to a time where there was no technology, no boats, no cars, no planes. When people talked to each other face to face and the only means of transportation was by foot or by a hooved animal. It took months or even years to receive the latest news on world events. The last prophecy before Jesus came during the time of Malachi. Then the word of the Lord stopped, the world seemed to be a dark place to live and just like the time we seem to be living in, all hope seemed to be lost. Then just like the prophecy of old, after living in darkness for 400 hundred years a light in the sky, a star led the way to the one who was born. The light of the world, the Messiah, the hope for all who were lost, hurt and struggling to find a way in the dark. 

     Now here we are over 2,000 years later with the latest news for the entire world at our fingertips, and boats, cars, and planes to get us wherever we desire to go. People no longer have to talk to each other face to face and choose to stare at a phone to see the fake lives of their family and friends. People no longer take the time to get to know others because they are so caught up in worldly things and being successful. We see our world being filled with hate yet don’t take the time to spread the love of Jesus. Jesus is the light the darkness of today needs just as he was the light needed during the time between Malachi and Matthew in the Bible. How can I be so sure about Jesus being our answer when no amount of logic seems to be helping? I know this because Jesus himself says, “I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows me will never walk in the darkness but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

In the Old Testament, King David said, “Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light on my path. He went on to say, “the revelation of your words brings light and gives understanding to the inexperienced.” Psalm 119:105,130 Much like the time of darkness I mentioned earlier it seems that the word of the Lord is not prevailing, but for those of us who are Christians we know otherwise. God’s word is true and the things that are unfolding are part of his plan. The important thing for those of us who believe is to be the light. Once we believe, we have the light in us and we are to let the light shine. Dare I ask, when are you more likely to see a light? The answer of course is when it is dark. You were born during this season of darkness, for a reason and that reason is to shine your light for all to see. Not for all to see what worldly things you have, but for all to see Jesus and the hope he brings to all who believe in him. We may never see life go back to “normal”, and it’s imperative that we live a life that points others to Christ. 

     As this year draws to an end, we get to witness an astronomical phenomenon that was last observed 800 years ago and very similar to the star of Bethlehem. In a year of so much loss, so much sadness, the loss of hope, and darkness that seems to only be getting darker; we get to experience what they are calling the Christmas star. Is it a coincidence that the first night it can be seen is on the winter solstice, the longest/darkest night of the year? I don’t think so, God is giving us a light, a sign to bring us hope, a reminder that we must shine in the darkest of times as that is when the light is best visible. How can you let your light shine this holiday season and during this time of darkness?

Follow Through

      As I sat staring at my Bible this morning knowing I needed to open and read it I didn't know what chapter to read or what to focus on. I picked up my Bible and prayed, God show me where to turn and I'll read it. I opened my study Bible and began to flip the pages and stopped at 2 Chronicles 20. That is where I found a little nugget of goodness that spoke to me on this cold Sunday morning that has me feeling blah and wishing my back pain would go away. If you have a few minutes, please read and see what I learned.

     Jehoshaphat was a king of Judah. We can learn many things from him but the one lesson that I picked up on today was his obedience to God and the importance of following through. Like many kings, Jehoshaphat was faced with going to war and he was afraid and wasn't sure what he should do so he sought the Lord. "Jehoshaphat was afraid and he resolved to seek the Lord." 2 Chronicles 20:3 He sought the Lord in prayer, waited on God's answer, believed in God and what God said, obeyed God, and praised God. Let's look at each step of Jehoshaphat's follow through.

     Jehoshaphat prayed, his prayer wasn't long and elaborate like you might assume a king's prayer would be, instead his prayer was short and to the point. He ended his prayer by saying, "For we are powerless before this vast number that comes to fight against us. We do not know what to do but we look to you." 2 Chronicles 20:12b How many times have you felt helpless? How many times have you looked to others to help you instead of turning to the One who is powerful and can help you? That has been me many times in the past and a lot here recently too. I am finally at the point where I am saying, "God I do not know what to do-help me." I wish I would've said that from the beginning but I'm a bit stubborn.

     After Jehoshaphat prayed, he waited on an answer from God. In the story it seems that the answer came immediately, but we don't know how long it really took. All we know for sure is Jehoshaphat didn't go into battle before getting an answer from God. Many times we get tired of waiting on the answer or we don't like the answer we're given so we do what we think is right. More times than not in my own life this has not been the best thing to do, but I do it because I want it fixed right now on my timeline not God's. Jehoshaphat waited and once he received his answer he listened to God and believed what he was told. His answer came from Jehaziel, a priest, and in short here is what God told him: "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast number, for the battle is not yours, but God's...Do not be afraid or discouraged. Tomorrow go out to face them, for the Lord is with you." 2 Chronicles 20:15b and 17d. Notice in God's answer he acknowledged Jehoshaphat's fear and told him to not be afraid or discouraged not once but twice. God knows we fear what we can't control or see or even understand so he told him twice to reassure him. God let Jehoshaphat know that this battle was God's battle and he was with Jehoshaphat. The same goes for you and me, whatever we're facing, it's God's battle, so we need to give it to him and remember he is with us. Upon getting his answer Jehoshaphat put his face to the ground and worshipped God. When was the last time you fell to the ground and worshipped God? I can tell you it's been far too long for me.

     Jehoshaphat then believed God's answer and obeyed him. While obeying God, Jehoshaphat faced his fear and praised God. Verse 20:22 says, "The moment they began their shouts and praises, the Lord set an ambush" against his enemies. God started working immediately and this was before Jehoshaphat and his army arrived to the location that he was told to go to. Did you catch that? God started working immediately when Jehoshaphat and his men obeyed God. God will do the same for us! When they arrived to the appointed location they saw corpses on the ground, not a single person survived. They returned to Jerusalem rejoicing. Often when God answers our prayers we acknowledge him in the moment but we don't rejoice with others but we should. When we share what God has done in our lives it strengthens our faith and the faith of others. This is the follow through! Jehoshaphat and his men returned rejoicing, they followed through.

   It's important in sports to follow through with your shot or swing, it's important in your life to follow through with what you say, and it's important in our prayer life to follow through. In all things following through allows you to be better or do a better job than if you didn't follow through. In sports when you follow through you're more likely to make the shot or hit the ball further. In life when you follow through you are showing people you mean what you say and say what you mean. How do you follow through in prayer? You follow through in prayer by giving God praise and sharing with others what he has done. By following through you will grow in your faith and your relationship with God. No matter the answer- be like Jehoshaphat and follow through. 

Aches and Pains

 There are many jokes about growing older but there is nothing like experiencing the aches and pains of growing older. If you keep up with me you know that the past two years have rough. Life hasn't been full unicorns and rainbows or even a walk in the park, its been more like trying to ride a bicycle blind folded in the dark. Nothing has made sense and I'm pretty sure most of it never will. So, why am I writing today? Is it to complain about what obstacles I've been facing? There will probably be a little of that. Is it to enlighten  you on something God has taught me during this trying time? Nope! I am writing to share what is on my mind or I should say what has crossed my mind today and the last couple of days.

I'm a school teacher so I'm blessed to have this week off, but it's been hard to enjoy because I've not been able to do much. Most of you might say that's wonderful, but it's not enjoyable when that's all you've been able to do for three months. Let me set the stage...

In September I hurt my back. I'm not sure how but many people will say that I over did it with my CG workouts, but I disagree. I hurt so bad that I wasn't able to walk for a week, then slowly and surely I've been able to tolerate a little walking and standing, but still not much and certainly no workouts. This has been hard not just because I'm not working out but because I can't help around my house. I know that how I handle the hard times reflects my beliefs but in this case it doesn't. This struggle has brought up many doubts, old issues that I thought I had dealt with, and lots of whys. 

The whys are too many to list here. The doubts are some that I've written about and some new ones as I made a decision this past year to not coach..good laugh here cause I wouldn't be able to coach at this point in time. God's timing? I don't know, but I do know that I miss coaching. So, aches and pains...they happen when we get older and our bodies decide to not work like they did when we were younger. Aches and pains also happen when we grow in every aspect of our lives.

We grow when we face obstacles and learn how to get around them. We grow when we accept change no matter how different the change may be. We grow when we step outside of our comfort zones and allow God to work in our lives. So maybe, just maybe this particular ache and pain is happening to show me things about myself that need to change so I can continue to grow into the person God created me to be.

I'll finish up with my rambling. This year has been hard on everyone and seems to be teaching us to reflect on what matters the most and to be thankful for what we have. The aches and pains of this life can at times be unbearable but if we believe in God, we always have the hope of a better tomorrow and if tomorrow isn't better we have a promise of eternity with no more pain, no more sorrow and no more tears. I'm doing the best I can to stay focused on God and know this is only a moment, a season in life, and this too shall pass. May you all have a blessed Thanksgiving! 

OUT OF ORDER

      

                    OUT OF ORDER! 

                    I sure get frustrated when I see that sign hanging on a vending machine when I need a snack or when I finally find a restroom only to see that I will have to keep searching for one that is in order. Has your life ever felt out of order? Mine has, especially here lately; it seems nothing is in order. My house, out of order...my job, out of order...the greatest country in this world, out of order. The scale just keeps expanding to the world. The earth needs a sign on it that says OUT OF ORDER.

                    Let's back up to a little over a year ago, I became one of the high school coaches and though I was hesitant I was excited. Just as the season was starting my brother passed away, and life was not the same. Fast forward to March, spring break came and our lives came to a halt. We weren't allowed to go back to school and my mom moved in. Then we started a kitchen remodel, which is still not completed and so my house became out of order along with my job and life as we knew it. I could go on but as I have talked to friends, coworkers and a few strangers (as I'm not much of a conversation starter) everyone's life seems to be in some way or another out of order. I have tried to stay positive, but it's not been easy especially for someone with anxiety/depression.

                    I guess the question is, what should we do when our life is out of order? I have the answer, although it has taken me months to realize this answer. I have been doing this, but sometimes you just have to be hit over the head to see it. First, we need to try to stop complaining and find joy in the little things, after all, the little things is what matters the most. Second, and I'd say the most important is we need to keep searching for the One who can put our lives back in order. Psalm 119:133-134 says, "Order my steps in thy word; and let not any iniquity have dominion over me. Deliver me from the oppression of man; so will I keep thy precepts." What does that mean, you ask. If we search for God, and we can find him anywhere, but especially if we search for him in His word, the Bible, we will know what to do. He tells us how to live our lives. By reading his word, we will be able to understand Him better, walk with Him, and keep His commands. When we do this, the oppression of man can't hold us down. God is for us and we just need to trust Him. 

                    When you do this, your life may not go back to the exact same way you think or even want it to, but when you seek God and His word your life will start changing. You will notice things are being put in order. Sometimes it's the big things in your life and we notice immediately, and sometimes it's the little things, and it takes a bit longer to see. I challenge you to write your prayers out for a month, spend time with God daily for a month, and see how your thoughts change. This world may be OUT OF ORDER but it doesn't mean your life has to be. Keep your eyes on Jesus. There you will find order, peace, love and acceptance. I'll leave you with these two verses:

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." 2 Thessalonians 3:16. 

"Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth." Colossians 3:2 

         

CHAOS

Choose
Him
Above
Other
Sources


     Wow! How quickly the world seems to have been turned upside and down and come to a complete stop. The recent turn of events has left me and my family wondering what's next. As I stayed home today from church more for my mental health than for any other reason I reflected on my personal life in comparison to the world. Honestly, they match up at this moment yet deep down I have peace, somewhere within my soul "it is well".  This verse could be why, "For God is not a God of disorder but of peace." 1 Corinthians 14:33
     I can honestly sit here and say with all the fear that seems to be running rampant in this world today and for good reason, I am not afraid. This isn't because I'm not concerned about the virus outbreak, but because I know who is in control. You see, my God has this. It is a time of confusion, doubt, fear, and unknown, but do you know that God can and will give you His peace. When you're confused go to him. When you have doubt about your future; go to him. When you are full of fear, no matter the type of fear; go to him. When you are faced with the unknown; go to him. Peter tells us to do that in 1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you."
     There is so much uncertainty in the world right now, and even in my personal life, not just because of the virus but because of personal things. We can choose to live in that uncertainty and get worked up over it, which I have done or we can choose to trust God and give Him control. Sadly, I did the first choice before realizing I'm not making the situation any better and have now decided that God knows best and I'm trusting in Him. I knew this but got caught up in the what ifs instead of just going with the flow and trusting God.
     I sit here and think about my kids and my students and wonder how they will handle all the uncertainties that we are being faced with and I remember the innocence of my childish thoughts. For some strange reason, as a kid, I thought life as an adult would be easier, but that was completely wrong. Our kids know more than we knew at their age, because they have access to the same information we do. We have to help them not overreact to the unknowns of today and tomorrow, but to teach them in these times we must rely on the ONE who created us. He can and will see us through the unknowns, he will strengthen our faith, he is our hope and our peace.
     As we all face the world in this chaotic state, may we remember to choose Him above other sources for our hope, peace, and strength. "Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." 2 Thessalonians 3:16.