I've had several people tell me that I need to write again. That they miss reading my blog posts and while I felt encouraged I wasn't ready to write. I wasn't in a place to open up, but today I am willing to do just that. So, where have I been?
I can sit here and tell you that I've been busy, and I wouldn't be lying. My schedule has been crazy with going back to coaching, my husband being a band director, and my daughter being in multiple extracurricular activities at her school; I've had very little time to do anything else. That is a wonderful excuse, but it's an excuse. If you've read any of my posts before this one, you know that I'll be honest and vulnerable, so here's the truth...
I withdrew. I shutdown. I closed myself off. I was hurting. I turned away. I went off the path. I walked the wide path. I was tired. I fell. I sunk into a pit. I allowed the darkness to swallow me. I fought. I gave up. I tried to stand. I got knocked back down. I tried again. I got knocked down. I sat. I searched. I tried to get up. I was stuck. I couldn't move forward.
Every time the darkness engulfs me it seems harder to find the faintest light of hope, but this time the pull of giving in has been much stronger. It's scary how easy it would be to just give up and allow myself to continue to sink into the oblivion of darkness, to allow myself to self destruct and continue down the road of self-hatred, embarrassment, and shame. Today's date caught my attention, I am just under six months from turning 40. I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I am officially obese and weigh more than I have ever weighed, yes; that's including my pregnancies, and I can't seem to lose it; which infuriates me. I can't look in the mirror without being embarrassed or feel ashamed even though part of my weight gain couldn't be helped. My weight shouldn't be my hang up, but more importantly it's my health. I'm not healthy and it scares me. I don't want to die young like my dad and my brother. I want to be holistically healthy and that includes being acutely aware of my weight. It's all one big circle, and getting my gut health in check, will allow me to become holistically healthy and help get me out of this vicious cycle.
So, what keeps me going? My family, my husband, and my kids. I can't give up because they need me, but also because I want my kids to see no matter how hard life can be you have to keep going. Each day is going to be different. Some days you need to be alone. Some days you need to be with your loved ones. Some days you need to get out. Some days you need to be with a friend who will listen to you or make you laugh or give you advice. Some days you just get up and do what has to be done. Eventually the hard days become less hard and you start having more good days than bad. You look up and you're out of the storm, out of the pit, and life is good again.
Finally, a little glimpse of hope. God spoke ever so quietly to me. I'm not completely out of the dark, nor am I completely sure how long I will stand on these wobbly legs before getting knocked down again, but there is one thing I know. I am not going to sit in the pit anymore. I WILL NOT GIVE UP! The Devil can try to keep me down, and it may take longer for me to stand, but I will stand up...I WILL RISE! "Do not rejoice over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will stand up; though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." Micah 7:8
Still I Rise has been my motto for almost a year now. I am not one to give up easily or quit. It may take me a while to get up, especially, when I keep getting hit with tough situations or changes but I do not and will not wave the white flag of surrender. I have allowed myself to sit and wallow too long, and I'm angry with myself for allowing it. I am not where I want to be mentally, physically, or spiritually, but I have learned a lot about myself during this dark time. Things that I didn't realize before or maybe I knew but didn't want to accept. The truth is, even when I am down and out, God is still working in me and for me. He never walked away from me even though I flat out told Him that I wasn't sure he was for me. When I stopped praying daily; He didn't walk away from me. He waited for me to come back to him. I am back talking to him and as I open up to him, he is showing me that He loves me and is for me.
There you have it....that's where I've been for over a year. Not writing. Not growing. Not walking faithfully. Just merely surviving. Just sitting. Just letting life happen. I have started writing again. I have started taking steps to better myself again. I will continue to move forward with my life knowing that perfection is not the goal, but progress is what I should focus on. Thankfully, I'm not who I was 10 years ago, and I know that when I look at this point I will see God's hand just as I do now when looking back to who I was 10 years ago. "I lift my eyes to the mountains-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2
Where have you been? How is life treating you? I'll write again soon. Here's a parting verse and some encouragement for you today: "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being." Ephesians 3:16 Remember this: YOU ARE CHOSEN! YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE CALLED! YOU ARE EQUIPPED!
