I went through a lot as a child but nothing would prepare me for the day I miscarried. There are many thoughts, people and memories from that difficult time, but one sentence spoken to me in my brokenness was profound. That sentence started the healing process, not only for the loss of my unborn child but for the hurts that had built up over the years. God was already working on me, still is, but somehow these words reached my broken heart and aching soul: “It’s OK to not be okay.” I laughed when my friend said this to me, but something whispered she was right. As time passed that truth became real and I realized it was ok to not be okay and more importantly it’s ok to tell others you’re not okay.
I didn’t grow up thinking it was ok to not be okay. I grew up around people who hid their hurt and in turn I did the same. It was the only way I knew to deal with the hurt. That hurt was pushed down so deep that by the time I was grown I lashed out at those who loved me, and I walked around angry. Then one day my world crumbled and hasn’t been the same, God started breaking me so he could mold me.
My world has fallen apart twice as an adult with hurt so deep I didn’t think I would come out of the pitch black pit I was in. The first time I was knocked to my knees was when my Granny died. God used a dear friend to carry me through those dark days, and when she moved He promptly put another dear lady in my life to continue the healing. The second time my world fell apart was when I miscarried. Again, God had someone to see me through the dark days and open my eyes to all my hurts that I had been holding onto so tightly. My walls had fallen, my spirit broken and all that was left was the pieces of a hurt little girl who ached to be set free. I started writing my blog months after my miscarriage and the healing came from sharing. God often times uses our deepest hurts to help us heal others and in turn it heals us. As Sheila Walsh says in her new book, “The Longing in Me”, “Our scars can give life to others so that their scars might be smaller.”
Friends it’s a lot easier for me to look you in the eye and say “I’m good” or “I’m fine” when I”m really not. It’s hard for me to say “I’m not okay” because it shows I do not have it all together, that I have lost control. Here’s the truth: No one has it ALL together, and we are not in control. So, here’s to not being okay. I’m forever grateful for my friend who spoke those healing words to me years ago.
My hurt could help you not hurt - so let's work on sharing our hurts so God can heal us and pour out his love, mercy and grace. Until next time, remember : “The works of His hands are truth and justice; all His instructions are trustworthy.” (Psalm 111:7)
