Divine Appointment
Today’s church service was a divine appointment for me. It was set up without me knowing about it, by the one who knows my heart and what is really going on inside. Today was my day to work in one of our children’s church services, but plans changed. At first I was discouraged, because I wasn’t dressed in “church” clothes. I wear jeans and a t-shirt with our church logo on it when I work in the children’s department so I don’t have to worry about messing up my good clothes. I share that just to show I wasn’t too excited about going to “big” church but I was glad that I would get to hear the guest speaker this morning.
God started knocking on the walls of my heart this morning in Sunday school when our children’s director spoke to our class about the mission trip she went on. I was moved by what she had to say and when she mentioned the word fear it jumped out at me. FEAR, something Christians shouldn’t have, if they have faith...right. Well, I will be the first to say I have fear but I also have faith. I wasn’t shocked by her fear, I was rattled that the word FEAR spoke so deeply to me. As I mentioned, I wasn’t suppose to be in “big” church so I didn’t sit in my normal spot,(You know our names are on the pews...lol) I was moved by the music and felt God’s presence. As the guest speaker started talking tears started forming. OH, how I do not like to cry, especially not in front of people, so I did my best to keep the tears from falling. I didn’t win that battle, nope as the tears rolled down my cheeks I realized how much I had been holding in, how I had been living in fear for several months.
I have shared about some of my fears before, but this time God was letting me know what he thought about those fears. I wasn’t handing them over to him. Why? Because I was afraid of what he thought of me, just like I’m afraid of what others will think of me by the end of this post. The truth is you can’t say anything about me that I haven’t already allowed myself to think and trust me, they aren’t words that God would use to describe me. My fear was letting others know that I’m going back to teaching. I have tried to justify it to myself so I could tell myself I wasn’t a hypocrite, or turned from God or trying to take things into my own hands. See, I’ve already considered what others would say or think once I told them and there is more where that came from. I beat myself up and would rather hide in my fear of what others will say or think instead of walking boldly in God’s truth and knowing that I have peace in this decision.
I am arguing with myself as I am typing to try to keep from continuing to justify why I went back to teaching. The truth is God opened the door for me and I have peace about it. This is what is best for my family and no matter how much I feel like I am a disappointment, a failure, and a hypocrite for not sticking with staying at home and writing I have peace about going back to teaching. I enjoy kids and teaching and watching them have “lightbulb” moments and truthfully I can keep writing. So, enough trying to explain myself and back to my divine appointment. I walked out of church with the reminder that God is bigger, much bigger than my fear of what others will think or say about me. I needed a hug after that service, and because I hadn’t shared with anyone in that building my fear I walked out wishing I would have trusted God enough to share what was going on in my life and my fear with a friend or two. Living in fear caused me to back away from others and not share my burdens. I pray that you will not allow fear to rule over you, but instead turn it over to God, because as I learned this morning, fear is rooted in pride. I’m so thankful for my divine appointment this morning and thankful for my God who knows my heart, and loves me all the same. I'm doing the best I can, as I know you are too. Until next time, “May Yahweh bless you and protect you.” Numbers 6:24
